Life Is (Still) An Attitude

So the attitude now is to not mourn the loss, but be grateful for what I have.  Oh, the loss is still there.  I miss my Walt and I'm sure that will get even worse as all of the commotion dies down, but I refuse to let it consume me.  Because of the love and caring that has surrounded me lately it would be impossible to deny how much I have to be grateful for.
Friends and family who traveled from afar, those who sent their love and support by mail, email, phone, etc. This has all been so special and I can't wait to tell Walt all about it because he would have loved it.  The memorial service was just what I envisioned.  The words were perfect, the emotion behind it all was heartfelt and kind.  I was so pleased.  The gathering after was amazing.  So many friends pulled together to set out a spread that was not only attractive and inviting, but soooooo tasty.  How can I ever thank all involved enough? I guess I just can't.  Please just know how much I appreciate you all.
Austin and Madison are staying with me for a couple of days.  At ages 14 and 12 they pick on each other constantly so I know they are normal kids.  They bring me a lot of joy.  Yesterday Austin cleaned out the chicken coop and Maddy mopped the floors.  I hung some new drapes on the big windows looking out on the backyard.  Never felt a need to have drapes there before, but somehow being alone makes you a little less secure so now I have more privacy.
And life goes on.

Love that Smiling Face

Just some of the goodies

Enjoying life

Stupid Snow

Billings, Montana got enough snow yesterday to postpone my boys trip here.  Walter was suppose to be here today and now it won't be until tomorrow.  I lose a whole day.  Stupid snow.
It looks like it will be a beautiful weekend all but very cold.  Those coming from Southern California are in for frost bite.  They say the sun shines 362 days a year here in Klamath and it does.  Just some days it's only for 5 minutes. We don't get the rain that Oregon is famous for.  That's mostly on the coast.
So, I'm talking about the weather.  Wonder what that means?  I find myself analyzing all of my behaviors lately. Don't think anything has sunk in yet.  I've been too busy planning Walt's memorial and starting my new job, getting ready for lots of company this weekend.  It's all good.  Perhaps after this big weekend I will be able to let things go.  I feel like I need a good cry, but it just won't come.  That's probably my "controlling personality" taking control.
I have received so many cards and help.  The love that pours out of an envelope opened is amazing. I just can't thank everyone enough.
I talked with Social Security yesterday.  It's just so interesting how our government works.  I have always paid our big bills on the 3rd of the month when we got Walt's check.  I don't even have an appointment to find out what I will be getting or when until Dec. 3rd.  When I asked the guy what I do he just said " I guess you have to talk to your creditors".  Okay, what do I tell them?  I'm not in a real panic.  I will be okay when it all settles down.  I'm sure many have been in a much worse position.  My Walt always made a good living and therefore has a good social security check and I will get that so really no complaints.  It's just what you have to go through while in the middle of incredible grief.
So excited for all of the company to get here.  Wish everyone could be here, but I know that's impossible.  You are all in my heart and I will carry that with me this weekend.  Please, the prayers I ask for now are for those traveling to be safe.  Until next time, I love you all.

So Much Good Out Of The Bad

Some things are just hard for me to grasp.  I can't believe it's only been a week.  Seems like so much time has passed.  Maybe it's because I've been so busy.  There is so much to think about and do.  Friends have kept me going and I finally got back out into the ministry yesterday.  Planning Walt's memorial has kept me busy also.  I don't know how people have a funeral right away.  We have so many who want to come and we wanted to give everyone the opportunity to put it in their schedules. Friends are planning a gathering after. Guess this is where I should tell everyone the particulars.

Walter Leonard Niemi II

August 18, 1940 - November 5, 2013

Safe In Jehovah's Memory

Service held at the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses

2558 Fargo Street

Klamath Falls, Oregon

Saturday November 23, 2013 at 1 pm

Gathering of friends to follow

Perhaps this will be when I finally "get it".  I don't know.  I can't seem to wrap my mind around the reality.  I know "realistically", but this all seems so temporary.  It's not the big things, it's the small everyday happenings that make me feel like I'm just waiting for my life to get back to normal.  It's like Walt has just gone fishing or camping for a couple of days.  It's nice to have alone time and not have to do the normal, but it will all get back to the day-to-day when he gets home.  They say that the first stage of grief is denial. Oh man, I never wanted to be "what they say".   

So, I will continue to plan and get the house ready for lots of company and keep myself busy.  I start my new job tomorrow.  I am cooking 2 days a week for my brother at his restaurant.  This will keep me busy and supplement my income just enough to let me stay where I am for now and not have to make any big decisions right away.  I love my house, big as it is, and don't want to think about where I would go with my 3 cats and 4 chickens.  

I know there are many who would like to be here for the memorial, but circumstances just don't allow.  Please know that I feel the love and caring from afar. 

Love to all until next time. 

Life Is Strange, Death Is Stranger

My darling daughter has been with me since Monday morning when it became apparent that all was coming to an end.  George has been with the kids with the help of his sister because he is so busy at work.  I am grateful that we got to be with Walt with little distraction (even though I love those little distractions).  Amanda slept in the big bed with me where there used to be a big strapping man.  She doesn't move.  Walt was a mover.  We woke up in the morning and she decided that we would go out to breakfast.  I hadn't been out of the house in a very long time and she said I needed to "shake off the dust".  Getting ready we talked about her dad.  We kept saying "this is so weird.  This is so strange".  How are you suppose to go from 2 to 1 in a heartbeat?  In the bathroom I went to pull something out of my second drawer down and for a moment thought "I can use the top drawer now".  Then, "no I can't, that's Walt's".  Weird.  I want to clean up his "man cave", but I don't want to move a thing.
There is so much to do.  Do you know how much it costs to put an obituary in the paper?  It's robbery.  Amanda and I wrote such a beautiful sentiment, but it ended up being a very short "facts" because each word was so expensive.  The medical companies came to get all of the "stuff".  The bed, the table, the wheelchair, the oxygen.  That oxygen concentrator has been here for years.  It's so quiet now.   Friends stopped by, flowers came (thanks Pam, they are beautiful).  The phone never stopped (thank you all and I'm sorry if I missed you, but I read all of the text and listened to all of the messages and they help).  George brought the kids into town after breakfast.  We shopped around Walmart for a minute then came back to the house.  The little boys didn't know about their Grumpy yet.  Of course, they walk in the door and head straight for his room.  I followed and when Thomas said "Where's Grumpy?" I told him I had something sad to tell him.  I took him to my bedroom and he said "don't tell me anything sad."  I told him I had to and that I might cry, but it's okay.  I told him his Grumpy had died and he immediately said, "I have something to tell you that is not sad." (Keep in mind, he is 4 years old). "Jehovah will bring Grumpy back in the new world", he says.  And he goes about the business of playing with his new toy from Walmart.  Gavin, the 2 yr. old just doesn't understand and I'm sure he will ask "Where's Grump?" for a long time, but time means nothing at this age.  Madison is upset and I could hear the sadness in Austins voice.  We took the easy way out with the other grandchildren and let their parents deal with the news.
Madison stayed the night with me last night and she slept in the big bed with me.  That will never happen again!  She wiggles, moans in her sleep and wants to be close.  The big bed became very small during the night.  I love her, but with her moving in on me and cats at my feet I was squished.
I'm out of words for now.  I don't even know if anyone wants to hear all of this, but know that right now I'm writing for me.  I don't want to forget a moment of anything, because it all relates to, well, you know.  I love you all and I can still use the prayers.  Thanks for that.

Thank You(s)

To everyone who is reading this, Thank You, for making this journey with me. What a comfort to know that I wasn't alone.  You all cared enough to listen to me.
I sat down to say "Thank you" to everyone who helped me get through this.  There are just too many and I will forget someone and right now I can't think straight. Thank you seems so minimal right now. Years ago Walt and I received a thank you note from good friends that I keep close to this day.  It was for an anniversary party that we had put together.  It took months of preparation and a whole congregation to pull it off (brilliantly, I might add).  The note included every aspect of the party from the food to the silly blindfolds we made  to keep the guests of honor in the dark.  But the note went on from there to include all of the reasons that we were loved by this couple.  This is the format I want to follow when I say the most important "thank you".
Thank you, Walt.  Thank you for all of the laughs and good times.  Thank you for your time, for always being there when I needed you.  Thank you for your strength and thank you for letting me see your weaknesses. Thank you for your loyalty and your trustworthiness.   Thank you for the flowers (for no special reason).  Thank you for bringing my coffee every morning. Thank you for taking care of yourself so that we could be together longer. Thank you for your positive attitude, even through the pain and discomfort you often suffered. Thank you for being a good provider and putting up with some of the crazy ways I wanted to spend that hard earned money.  Thank you for our beautiful children.  Thank you for allowing me to bring strangers into our home to study the bible and then joining in.  Thank you for becoming that spiritual man that I most admired.  Thank you for taking your leave with dignity and leaving me with the hope of seeing you again in paradise right here on earth.  Thank you for your smile.

Confusion Sets In

You might think I'm talking about Walt and he does get somewhat confused when he is on the morphine, but this is all about me.  I did something yesterday that I have never done before.  I can't believe it.  Amanda came over with Gavin in the morning so that I could go out and run some errands.  I actually left the house without a bit of makeup on.  Anyone who knows me knows that just doesn't happen.  Lately I have been seen at the house without my makeup on, but that is a definitive decision.  I NEVER go out without it.  I look like I should be on my death bed.  I didn't even realize it until much later in the day.  When I thought back on it I thought "well, at least I didn't see anyone I knew", then I thought about the sales manager at Cash and Carry who waited on me.  He seemed to be avoiding talking to me and he is usually really chatty.  He probably thought I was sick.  So, what I'm trying to say here is that my brain is obviously not working at full capacity so please forgive.
For the first time my poor Walt didn't have a good night.  He has developed a cough.  That is one thing that causes him much distress.  Because we have always been so careful with his lungs he thinks something is going wrong there.  He has asked me many times if the tumor in his esophagus could cut off his air.  I have assured him it will not because it is closer to his stomach, but he still has anxiety over it.
Even through it all he still has his sense of humor.  I walked into his room and he asked me if I was practicing up at Sky Lakes (our local hospital)? I said, "Why?" "Because you come in here every 15 minutes", he says.  Ha, ha.  I have taken to peeking in the door and only going in every 30 minutes.
So, did I mention how much we are enjoying everyone in our lives.  I am missing all of the company we had last week.  Especially Auntie Sharon because now I have to mop my own floors and do all of the laundry.  No, what I miss most is the positive communication.
Didn't get this posted yesterday.  Last night was better.  Walt wanted pain meds at 1:30 am, but slept pretty good until 5:15.  That's when he turned on the light and said, "Time to get up".  Oh, well.  He then proceeded to go into his man cave and get in his hospital bed and fall back to sleep.  What a guy.
Amanda is coming this morning so that I can go on some more errands.  Guess what?  I have makeup on!
Love you all.