What's Normal?

I keep waiting for things to be back to normal.  The more I say that word the stranger it sounds.  The dictionary says "usual, ordinary" or "not strange".  Well that's never going to happen.  And for that matter I'm not sure I want to be "normal".  Life is strange so how could anyone be normal?  My problem right now is that I don't know how to act.  When so many years are spent being defined a certain way, but that way changes so drastically how do you then define yourself?  In one devastating moment you are no longer wife, partner, companion, caregiver, best friend.  You are alone.  Not lonely.  There is a big difference.  I'm not lonely.  I don't need to have others around I just need something to do.  When your main source of activity is gone you feel so empty.  When every moment is spent thinking about another person, then it's not, what then?  And if you are wracking your brain trying to figure out how you can make it better for me just stop cause you can't. If you are married then you know it took a long time to get used to the other person in your life.  It just takes a long time to get used to the other person not being there anymore. I will survive just as many have before me.  It's one of those life lessons that you don't understand until you have gone through it and then you have great compassion for all who already have or will in the future.
So, a couple of weeks ago I had a 5 minute part on the Theocratic Ministry School (Tuesday night bible study).  The subject was "How we should view Jesus".  I did the research and came up with a setting where the householder had a nativity scene in front of her house and we talked about how people really think about Jesus this time of year, but that so many still view him as a baby.  Well, I was out in the door to door ministry on Wednesday and came upon a house with a HUGE nativity scene in the front yard.  The woman who answered the door was so nice.  Our conversation went almost word for word just like my talk.  She said that she put up the decorations for her mother and that it was a shame that more people didn't view Jesus for the king that he is now ruling in the heavens.  She also asked me to come back so that we could have more discussions about the bible.  Now, that's what keeps me going!  You really have to love people and I want to fill my life with people who care about what's happening around them.
Here I am again thanking you for still being here for me.  It really does help to just "get it off my chest".  I actually think I am doing okay.  Aren't we all going through something that causes us anxiety?  May you all have the peace that comes with knowing that you are loved.

I'm Still Here

 It was so much easier to write about someone else. Walt gave me so much to work with.  Turns out I'm pretty boring.  I miss him, but I have been pretty busy with all of the stuff that comes with eliminating someone from your life.  Doesn't that sound awful?  It is, but it is what you are expected to do.  I hate it.  Here is an example:  The cell phone.  It is in Walt's name.  I was authorized on the account, but can't do anything that involves change.  We have 5 lines on that account.  Me, Walt, Amanda, Madison and a friend. I can't get the account in my name unless I pay $100 per line as a deposit because I don't have any credit in my name.  Who knew? I'm the one who paid the bill for over 5 years, but I can't make any decisions now.  Crazy!
I thought I had escaped any ill effects of the freezing weather.  It's been below zero here for a week.  Last night I heard water running.  It seems I have a problem with an outside facet.  Will call the landlord this morning.  The cold has made my girls (chickens) stay in the roosting position long after the sun (sorta) comes up. Two have frostbite on their combs.  Otherwise they do pretty good still giving me one or two eggs a day.
This morning I heard a trickle of (what I thought was) water in the bathroom.  I jumped out of bed in time to see one of my cats peeing in the toilet!  What???  I guess she is the smart one.  I don't have a litter box.  The cats have to use the dog door and go outside.  Guess she didn't want to do the cold.  Too funny.  Walt would have laughed about that.
You are just never prepared for some things in life.  You might think you know yourself and how you will react.  You might do the research on how to deal with different things, but then something pops up to let you know that you are not invincible.  It's never what you expect.  I went with Amanda to Sacramento and felt so weird because my phone never rang.  Whenever I went anywhere Walt would call me or expect me to call him, because he worried.  There was no one to worry about me.   Such a silly little thing, but it's those kind of things that just catch you off guard.
I'm okay.  Still having lots of wonderful memories of all of those who were there for me when I really needed them (that's all of you).  I am waiting for the DVD to be processed and copied.  I will send them off as soon as I get them.  Thanks again for hanging in there with me.  I love you all.