What's Normal?

I keep waiting for things to be back to normal.  The more I say that word the stranger it sounds.  The dictionary says "usual, ordinary" or "not strange".  Well that's never going to happen.  And for that matter I'm not sure I want to be "normal".  Life is strange so how could anyone be normal?  My problem right now is that I don't know how to act.  When so many years are spent being defined a certain way, but that way changes so drastically how do you then define yourself?  In one devastating moment you are no longer wife, partner, companion, caregiver, best friend.  You are alone.  Not lonely.  There is a big difference.  I'm not lonely.  I don't need to have others around I just need something to do.  When your main source of activity is gone you feel so empty.  When every moment is spent thinking about another person, then it's not, what then?  And if you are wracking your brain trying to figure out how you can make it better for me just stop cause you can't. If you are married then you know it took a long time to get used to the other person in your life.  It just takes a long time to get used to the other person not being there anymore. I will survive just as many have before me.  It's one of those life lessons that you don't understand until you have gone through it and then you have great compassion for all who already have or will in the future.
So, a couple of weeks ago I had a 5 minute part on the Theocratic Ministry School (Tuesday night bible study).  The subject was "How we should view Jesus".  I did the research and came up with a setting where the householder had a nativity scene in front of her house and we talked about how people really think about Jesus this time of year, but that so many still view him as a baby.  Well, I was out in the door to door ministry on Wednesday and came upon a house with a HUGE nativity scene in the front yard.  The woman who answered the door was so nice.  Our conversation went almost word for word just like my talk.  She said that she put up the decorations for her mother and that it was a shame that more people didn't view Jesus for the king that he is now ruling in the heavens.  She also asked me to come back so that we could have more discussions about the bible.  Now, that's what keeps me going!  You really have to love people and I want to fill my life with people who care about what's happening around them.
Here I am again thanking you for still being here for me.  It really does help to just "get it off my chest".  I actually think I am doing okay.  Aren't we all going through something that causes us anxiety?  May you all have the peace that comes with knowing that you are loved.

I'm Still Here

 It was so much easier to write about someone else. Walt gave me so much to work with.  Turns out I'm pretty boring.  I miss him, but I have been pretty busy with all of the stuff that comes with eliminating someone from your life.  Doesn't that sound awful?  It is, but it is what you are expected to do.  I hate it.  Here is an example:  The cell phone.  It is in Walt's name.  I was authorized on the account, but can't do anything that involves change.  We have 5 lines on that account.  Me, Walt, Amanda, Madison and a friend. I can't get the account in my name unless I pay $100 per line as a deposit because I don't have any credit in my name.  Who knew? I'm the one who paid the bill for over 5 years, but I can't make any decisions now.  Crazy!
I thought I had escaped any ill effects of the freezing weather.  It's been below zero here for a week.  Last night I heard water running.  It seems I have a problem with an outside facet.  Will call the landlord this morning.  The cold has made my girls (chickens) stay in the roosting position long after the sun (sorta) comes up. Two have frostbite on their combs.  Otherwise they do pretty good still giving me one or two eggs a day.
This morning I heard a trickle of (what I thought was) water in the bathroom.  I jumped out of bed in time to see one of my cats peeing in the toilet!  What???  I guess she is the smart one.  I don't have a litter box.  The cats have to use the dog door and go outside.  Guess she didn't want to do the cold.  Too funny.  Walt would have laughed about that.
You are just never prepared for some things in life.  You might think you know yourself and how you will react.  You might do the research on how to deal with different things, but then something pops up to let you know that you are not invincible.  It's never what you expect.  I went with Amanda to Sacramento and felt so weird because my phone never rang.  Whenever I went anywhere Walt would call me or expect me to call him, because he worried.  There was no one to worry about me.   Such a silly little thing, but it's those kind of things that just catch you off guard.
I'm okay.  Still having lots of wonderful memories of all of those who were there for me when I really needed them (that's all of you).  I am waiting for the DVD to be processed and copied.  I will send them off as soon as I get them.  Thanks again for hanging in there with me.  I love you all.

Life Is (Still) An Attitude

So the attitude now is to not mourn the loss, but be grateful for what I have.  Oh, the loss is still there.  I miss my Walt and I'm sure that will get even worse as all of the commotion dies down, but I refuse to let it consume me.  Because of the love and caring that has surrounded me lately it would be impossible to deny how much I have to be grateful for.
Friends and family who traveled from afar, those who sent their love and support by mail, email, phone, etc. This has all been so special and I can't wait to tell Walt all about it because he would have loved it.  The memorial service was just what I envisioned.  The words were perfect, the emotion behind it all was heartfelt and kind.  I was so pleased.  The gathering after was amazing.  So many friends pulled together to set out a spread that was not only attractive and inviting, but soooooo tasty.  How can I ever thank all involved enough? I guess I just can't.  Please just know how much I appreciate you all.
Austin and Madison are staying with me for a couple of days.  At ages 14 and 12 they pick on each other constantly so I know they are normal kids.  They bring me a lot of joy.  Yesterday Austin cleaned out the chicken coop and Maddy mopped the floors.  I hung some new drapes on the big windows looking out on the backyard.  Never felt a need to have drapes there before, but somehow being alone makes you a little less secure so now I have more privacy.
And life goes on.

Love that Smiling Face

Just some of the goodies

Enjoying life

Stupid Snow

Billings, Montana got enough snow yesterday to postpone my boys trip here.  Walter was suppose to be here today and now it won't be until tomorrow.  I lose a whole day.  Stupid snow.
It looks like it will be a beautiful weekend all but very cold.  Those coming from Southern California are in for frost bite.  They say the sun shines 362 days a year here in Klamath and it does.  Just some days it's only for 5 minutes. We don't get the rain that Oregon is famous for.  That's mostly on the coast.
So, I'm talking about the weather.  Wonder what that means?  I find myself analyzing all of my behaviors lately. Don't think anything has sunk in yet.  I've been too busy planning Walt's memorial and starting my new job, getting ready for lots of company this weekend.  It's all good.  Perhaps after this big weekend I will be able to let things go.  I feel like I need a good cry, but it just won't come.  That's probably my "controlling personality" taking control.
I have received so many cards and help.  The love that pours out of an envelope opened is amazing. I just can't thank everyone enough.
I talked with Social Security yesterday.  It's just so interesting how our government works.  I have always paid our big bills on the 3rd of the month when we got Walt's check.  I don't even have an appointment to find out what I will be getting or when until Dec. 3rd.  When I asked the guy what I do he just said " I guess you have to talk to your creditors".  Okay, what do I tell them?  I'm not in a real panic.  I will be okay when it all settles down.  I'm sure many have been in a much worse position.  My Walt always made a good living and therefore has a good social security check and I will get that so really no complaints.  It's just what you have to go through while in the middle of incredible grief.
So excited for all of the company to get here.  Wish everyone could be here, but I know that's impossible.  You are all in my heart and I will carry that with me this weekend.  Please, the prayers I ask for now are for those traveling to be safe.  Until next time, I love you all.

So Much Good Out Of The Bad

Some things are just hard for me to grasp.  I can't believe it's only been a week.  Seems like so much time has passed.  Maybe it's because I've been so busy.  There is so much to think about and do.  Friends have kept me going and I finally got back out into the ministry yesterday.  Planning Walt's memorial has kept me busy also.  I don't know how people have a funeral right away.  We have so many who want to come and we wanted to give everyone the opportunity to put it in their schedules. Friends are planning a gathering after. Guess this is where I should tell everyone the particulars.

Walter Leonard Niemi II

August 18, 1940 - November 5, 2013

Safe In Jehovah's Memory

Service held at the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses

2558 Fargo Street

Klamath Falls, Oregon

Saturday November 23, 2013 at 1 pm

Gathering of friends to follow

Perhaps this will be when I finally "get it".  I don't know.  I can't seem to wrap my mind around the reality.  I know "realistically", but this all seems so temporary.  It's not the big things, it's the small everyday happenings that make me feel like I'm just waiting for my life to get back to normal.  It's like Walt has just gone fishing or camping for a couple of days.  It's nice to have alone time and not have to do the normal, but it will all get back to the day-to-day when he gets home.  They say that the first stage of grief is denial. Oh man, I never wanted to be "what they say".   

So, I will continue to plan and get the house ready for lots of company and keep myself busy.  I start my new job tomorrow.  I am cooking 2 days a week for my brother at his restaurant.  This will keep me busy and supplement my income just enough to let me stay where I am for now and not have to make any big decisions right away.  I love my house, big as it is, and don't want to think about where I would go with my 3 cats and 4 chickens.  

I know there are many who would like to be here for the memorial, but circumstances just don't allow.  Please know that I feel the love and caring from afar. 

Love to all until next time. 

Life Is Strange, Death Is Stranger

My darling daughter has been with me since Monday morning when it became apparent that all was coming to an end.  George has been with the kids with the help of his sister because he is so busy at work.  I am grateful that we got to be with Walt with little distraction (even though I love those little distractions).  Amanda slept in the big bed with me where there used to be a big strapping man.  She doesn't move.  Walt was a mover.  We woke up in the morning and she decided that we would go out to breakfast.  I hadn't been out of the house in a very long time and she said I needed to "shake off the dust".  Getting ready we talked about her dad.  We kept saying "this is so weird.  This is so strange".  How are you suppose to go from 2 to 1 in a heartbeat?  In the bathroom I went to pull something out of my second drawer down and for a moment thought "I can use the top drawer now".  Then, "no I can't, that's Walt's".  Weird.  I want to clean up his "man cave", but I don't want to move a thing.
There is so much to do.  Do you know how much it costs to put an obituary in the paper?  It's robbery.  Amanda and I wrote such a beautiful sentiment, but it ended up being a very short "facts" because each word was so expensive.  The medical companies came to get all of the "stuff".  The bed, the table, the wheelchair, the oxygen.  That oxygen concentrator has been here for years.  It's so quiet now.   Friends stopped by, flowers came (thanks Pam, they are beautiful).  The phone never stopped (thank you all and I'm sorry if I missed you, but I read all of the text and listened to all of the messages and they help).  George brought the kids into town after breakfast.  We shopped around Walmart for a minute then came back to the house.  The little boys didn't know about their Grumpy yet.  Of course, they walk in the door and head straight for his room.  I followed and when Thomas said "Where's Grumpy?" I told him I had something sad to tell him.  I took him to my bedroom and he said "don't tell me anything sad."  I told him I had to and that I might cry, but it's okay.  I told him his Grumpy had died and he immediately said, "I have something to tell you that is not sad." (Keep in mind, he is 4 years old). "Jehovah will bring Grumpy back in the new world", he says.  And he goes about the business of playing with his new toy from Walmart.  Gavin, the 2 yr. old just doesn't understand and I'm sure he will ask "Where's Grump?" for a long time, but time means nothing at this age.  Madison is upset and I could hear the sadness in Austins voice.  We took the easy way out with the other grandchildren and let their parents deal with the news.
Madison stayed the night with me last night and she slept in the big bed with me.  That will never happen again!  She wiggles, moans in her sleep and wants to be close.  The big bed became very small during the night.  I love her, but with her moving in on me and cats at my feet I was squished.
I'm out of words for now.  I don't even know if anyone wants to hear all of this, but know that right now I'm writing for me.  I don't want to forget a moment of anything, because it all relates to, well, you know.  I love you all and I can still use the prayers.  Thanks for that.

Thank You(s)

To everyone who is reading this, Thank You, for making this journey with me. What a comfort to know that I wasn't alone.  You all cared enough to listen to me.
I sat down to say "Thank you" to everyone who helped me get through this.  There are just too many and I will forget someone and right now I can't think straight. Thank you seems so minimal right now. Years ago Walt and I received a thank you note from good friends that I keep close to this day.  It was for an anniversary party that we had put together.  It took months of preparation and a whole congregation to pull it off (brilliantly, I might add).  The note included every aspect of the party from the food to the silly blindfolds we made  to keep the guests of honor in the dark.  But the note went on from there to include all of the reasons that we were loved by this couple.  This is the format I want to follow when I say the most important "thank you".
Thank you, Walt.  Thank you for all of the laughs and good times.  Thank you for your time, for always being there when I needed you.  Thank you for your strength and thank you for letting me see your weaknesses. Thank you for your loyalty and your trustworthiness.   Thank you for the flowers (for no special reason).  Thank you for bringing my coffee every morning. Thank you for taking care of yourself so that we could be together longer. Thank you for your positive attitude, even through the pain and discomfort you often suffered. Thank you for being a good provider and putting up with some of the crazy ways I wanted to spend that hard earned money.  Thank you for our beautiful children.  Thank you for allowing me to bring strangers into our home to study the bible and then joining in.  Thank you for becoming that spiritual man that I most admired.  Thank you for taking your leave with dignity and leaving me with the hope of seeing you again in paradise right here on earth.  Thank you for your smile.

Confusion Sets In

You might think I'm talking about Walt and he does get somewhat confused when he is on the morphine, but this is all about me.  I did something yesterday that I have never done before.  I can't believe it.  Amanda came over with Gavin in the morning so that I could go out and run some errands.  I actually left the house without a bit of makeup on.  Anyone who knows me knows that just doesn't happen.  Lately I have been seen at the house without my makeup on, but that is a definitive decision.  I NEVER go out without it.  I look like I should be on my death bed.  I didn't even realize it until much later in the day.  When I thought back on it I thought "well, at least I didn't see anyone I knew", then I thought about the sales manager at Cash and Carry who waited on me.  He seemed to be avoiding talking to me and he is usually really chatty.  He probably thought I was sick.  So, what I'm trying to say here is that my brain is obviously not working at full capacity so please forgive.
For the first time my poor Walt didn't have a good night.  He has developed a cough.  That is one thing that causes him much distress.  Because we have always been so careful with his lungs he thinks something is going wrong there.  He has asked me many times if the tumor in his esophagus could cut off his air.  I have assured him it will not because it is closer to his stomach, but he still has anxiety over it.
Even through it all he still has his sense of humor.  I walked into his room and he asked me if I was practicing up at Sky Lakes (our local hospital)? I said, "Why?" "Because you come in here every 15 minutes", he says.  Ha, ha.  I have taken to peeking in the door and only going in every 30 minutes.
So, did I mention how much we are enjoying everyone in our lives.  I am missing all of the company we had last week.  Especially Auntie Sharon because now I have to mop my own floors and do all of the laundry.  No, what I miss most is the positive communication.
Didn't get this posted yesterday.  Last night was better.  Walt wanted pain meds at 1:30 am, but slept pretty good until 5:15.  That's when he turned on the light and said, "Time to get up".  Oh, well.  He then proceeded to go into his man cave and get in his hospital bed and fall back to sleep.  What a guy.
Amanda is coming this morning so that I can go on some more errands.  Guess what?  I have makeup on!
Love you all.

So Much To Tell

I know, it's about time.  Sometimes this is so hard.  I was ready to write today but our power was off from 9:30am to 3 pm.  Now it is much later and I'm getting tired.  Just gave Walt some cheese soup because he dreamed about grilled cheese sandwiches.  It will come back up and cause him incredible pain, but he is not comprehending those things much these days.  He started on a very small dose of morphine on Monday.  He had to get off of the tylenol and ibuprofen because it was causing stomach pain.  Poor guy spends most of his day sleeping now.  Some of that is from the medication, but mostly its because he is not eating.  He is in his hospital bed now during the day.  Not at night.  He told me that if he was going to sleep there at night that I would have to be in there with him.  Have you seen how skinny those beds are?  
So, The Party!  It was wonderful.  I told everyone that if the party was the day before Walt wouldn't have been there.  It was a very bad day.  Saturday he got up and decided not to eat anything because it would cause him to have another bad day.  We got to the party at 1:15 and he made it to 4 pm.  So many friends and family.  The guest book was signed by 79 and I'm sure some missed signing.  Walt got to talk with so many that he hadn't seen in awhile.  We have lots of pictures that we will share.  The DVD that Amanda put together is so great.  We will add pictures from the party and send it off to those who want it.  
We had a houseful over the weekend.  Auntie Sharon came in on Monday so she was already here.  She gave up her room and slept on the couch so the Rodriguez family of 5 could have the bedroom.  Good thing they are all small (well, not Oscar).  David slept in Walt's man cave on the hospital bed (Walt hadn't been in it yet).  We had such a good time with our friends.  I have much to say about that, but it will have to wait.  I am going to attempt to post a couple of pictures here.

 Oscar wheeling Walt into the party. Love that smile. 

 Walt, Amanda and Dina

 David fixing breakfast

 Me and Sharon 

(clockwise) Walt, Nyah, Sharon, Oscar, Nari, Gavin (gotta get those grapes) Amanda, Me, & George

Dina is taking the picture, Thomas and Naleah are playing on the kindle in the other room. Where are you David?

Okay, I'm done for tonight.  Thanks for tuning in and for all of the continued prayers.  Love you all.  

Life Can Be Surprising

Thirty Eight years ago today Walt and I were blessed with a beautiful daughter (I can say her age because she in no way looks it). She is my best friend, my confidant, my helper (Walt is all of those things too, just in a different way).  I don't know how I would make it through all of this without her.  Not to mention the wonderful grandchildren she gave us.  They all make us so happy.
We are also blessed with two other children who came from far away to visit us this weekend.  I can't imagine a better reunion.  Even though life has kept us apart for many years we were able to connect in a special way.  Walt and I could recognize that Walter and Pam are making the best of this life.  They are people that we would be happy to call "friends" not just family.  What a great (all but to short) visit we had. We know the effort it took for them to come here.  We hope they know how much it meant to both of us that they made that sacrifice.  Hope to see them again.
We wanted to make our meeting this morning, but the effort is just too much for my puny guy.  So grateful to have it on the phone. Yesterday started out good, but by the end of the day he was not keeping anything down.  There is so much to look forward to this coming week.  Auntie Sharon arrives tomorrow from Hemet, Ca.  I haven't asked her how long she will be here because I don't want her to ever leave.  Oscar and Dina and girls fly in Friday from the Palm Springs area.  This will be a hard visit because they have to leave on Sunday and I will not want them to go.  They are very special to us and Walt is so happy they are coming.   His big "Going Away" party is on Saturday.  Our CO visit is this coming week and we are looking forward to a visit from brother Russo on Wed.  Busy times, but I've said it before, distractions are good.
Tragedy struck a couple of times last week.  Amanda's husband, George, lost his granny.  She might have been his granny, but she was so special to all of us.   She was caring and funny and we enjoyed her so much.  She will be missed, especially by Thomas and Gavin and Maddy and Austin.  She loved those kids and they loved her.
We also found out that Amanda's childhood friend, Sarah has cancer.  She is going to fight hard and we will pray for her daily to win her fight.
This life can be so hard. Not surprising because we are in the "last days".  We just have to stick together and encourage each other to keep going.  Thanks to all of you who are communicating with us through email.
Love to all.

Life Is An Attitude

That has always been my motto for life and Walt has adopted it pretty good.  Our god, Jehovah, has told us through the scriptures to be positive in our life.  Jesus said, in his sermon on the mount, that we could be "happy" in just about every circumstance.  So, here we are with a terrible diagnosis and yet again Walt is amazing the doctors and everyone else for that matter.  Where he should be at this point and where he is are very far apart.  I say "the power of prayer and a good attitude".  No, things aren't perfect and when I said to Walt this morning "maybe you will beat this too", he said "not this time", but he added, "I'm just going to do my best to stick around as long as it will let me".  What a guy. All credit goes to god for helping us to stay strong. Thanks again and again for talking to him in our behalf.
It helps that Walt has so much to look forward to, also. His children coming this weekend.  Auntie Sharon coming from Hemet, Ca. Best friends Dina and Oscar and their 3 beautiful daughters coming from Desert Hot Springs, Ca. The big party.  We have heard from many with stories about Walt.  He just loves reading them.  I have to share a couple.
Walt's "baby" sister Marlene sent this. "My favorite memory is when Walt had a paper route, think it was Cleveland Plain Dealer Sunday paper and I was probably 6,7 or 8 years old and Walt would've been 7 years older.  Anyway, I went into the living room in the early morning when he was folding his papers and with my tooth that I had under my pillow said, 'the tooth fairy didn't come' (probably crying because I was such a baby) and Walt told me to go back to bed because it was too early and maybe she would come yet.  Well before he went to deliver papers, he came into my bedroom and gave me a hug while I lay on my pillow and after he was gone, I checked and there were 10 pennies under my pillow.  That was when I realized that there wasn't really a tooth fairy but I had a big brother that loved me very, very much and could probably only dig up 10 pennies back in the 1950's!!!  That is my BEST memory because not many years after that he went into the Navy...."
Then big sister Nona comes up with this: She remembers the newspaper route and said Walt delivered for the Youngstown Vindicator in 1952 and said he sold the most subscriptions and WON a trip to Washington, DC and got to meet President Eisenhower!!! That is amazing and wondered if Walt remembered that trip to DC.
I wondered too, because I had never heard that story.  How are you married to someone for 41 years and not know that they once met a president?  I know Walt doesn't brag, but seriously? We have since figured out it was for the inauguration.  He says that when you are a teenager those things don't make that big of an impression.  I've said it before, Goofy man!
Here's your invitation.  Wish everyone could come.  Love to all.......

Wonderful News

Right now we are so excited we can hardly stand it.  Last night we found out the "big" kids are coming.  Walt's two children from his first marriage are going to be here the end of next week.  Walt is coming from Montana and Pam is coming from S. Calif.  Walt lived with us from age 8 to 18. I would like to say I raised him, but I didn't do a good job.  I was not a good stepmother, but he rose above it and became a good man.  He married a special lady and they have two cute kids. It's been a few yrs since we've seen him. We have not seen Pam since Walt's wedding 24 yrs ago.  I was not a stepmother Pam would want to be around so that's pretty much my fault.  From all appearances she has had a good life.  She invited us to her college graduation (we didn't go, long story).  She is a teacher and has 3 children.  We are very excited to see both of them.
We had quite a scare on Monday.  Walt went to take a nap in the afternoon.  Somehow his oxygen ended up on the floor next to the bed.  Because he wasn't getting his oxygen while he slept he went into what is called a hypoxic event. Almost like frying your brain.  He was very disoriented and acted like he had a stroke.  Scared the life out of me so I called the hospice nurse.  She was wonderful and explained what was happening.  The worst part was when she told me that there was a chance that he wouldn't come out of it. It was a difficult evening, but after a good night's sleep, he was his old self the next morning (whew!).  I think I've been ready for many scenarios, but not this one.
Not much is going into this poor guys body.  He is getting very weak and wobbly.  He now has a walker for maneuvering around the house.  He has taken several falls (once on that terrible Monday night when he was headed to the bathroom and ended up in the hall on the floor after hitting the wall with his head on the way down). He survived that one with minor bruises and scrapes, but we sure don't want to do that again.
We have received some great stories about Walt's growing up from his sisters.  Can't wait to share them. It's been fun for both of us to communicate with the far away family.
So, we made our last goal.  Walt made it to the annual meeting where we received our new bible.  What a blessing. We love being a part of an organization that is so progressive and takes the time to keep us informed in a language that is up to date and very readable.  Millions and millions of bibles printed and distributed free of charge.  You can see it at jw.org.
Next goal.  Make it to the kids visit and then the big party.  Please keep us in your prayers.  It's the best we can do for each other.  We love you all.

Mornings With Walt

Mornings are good.  Walt is still sleeping good and feels his best when he wakes up.  He (usually) gets up before me.  When I wake up I love to stay in the bed and read.  I just tried to remember how long its been that Walt brings me my first cup of coffee, but I can't, it's been that long. Every morning he listens for signs that I am awake (I'm usually running for the bathroom). He comes down the hall with two cups in hand and sits on the side of the bed and we talk.  We started a new routine a few days ago.  Still with the coffee, but now he gets back in the bed and we cuddle and read together.  Actually I'm doing the reading.  We are reading "Tuesdays With Morrie".  It's a wonderful story of a man who is dying, but he has such a positive attitude about life.  I would recommend this book highly.
The days have changed.  Walt can no longer eat any solid food.  Just won't go down.  We've moved on to mussy stuff.  Right now I have soups.  We have quite a variety going.  I made curry soup, sausage soup, potato/leek soup, veggie soup, chicken paprika soup and a dear friend made broccoli soup and brought it to us last night.  Everything gets a spin in the blender, but Walt says it tastes good.  Problem is he is not getting much down.  Yesterday I would say that he might have eaten a whole 2 cups of food all day.  He did have his chocolate malt too.  Oh, there is the melt-in-your-mouth chocolates he manages to get down.  Right now the favorites are Rollos and Hershey bites.
So, moving on to the plans for the big "Going Away" Party.  The friends have asked me to ask all of you for pictures or maybe you have a "Walt story".  Anything that you might want to share with everyone.  We know it's impossible for everyone to be able to be here.  Just a couple of weekends ago we were suppose to be at our dear friends 50th wedding anniversary in S. California.  We planned for a year and still we couldn't make it  (Happy anniversary Joyce and Don.  We miss you). So, this might be a way to "be there".  I guess you could send them here.  My email is conniejn1@gmail.com.  The address is PO Box 8165, Klamath Falls, OR 97602.
The nurse comes today.  We are up to twice a week with nurse visits now.  Our home health aid came yesterday to bring supplies.  Walt is still able to bath himself and do all of that so we don't work her very hard.  We do have fun visiting with her.
Everyday we look to a new goal.  Right now our big goal is to conserve energy and stay strong to be able to make it to the exciting annual meeting on Sunday.  Walt has not been able to go out to our regular meetings in a while, but this is such a special one that he is determined to put on that tie and jacket and get to this one. Please pray for him to have the strength.  This is so important to him.
Again, thank you for all of the prayers.  We love you all.

The Ultimate "Going Away" Party

What a week!  It started out great.  Walt was eating good. Good still means very little, but it also means that what he eats goes down easy and stays down.  Monday and Tuesday he had no problems.  Wednesday started the week of mystery (what will happen today?).  Mornings were miserable.  He wanted to eat so badly but no matter what he tried it wouldn't go down easily nor stay down long. One of the days was so bad that his chocolate malt even gave him fits.  Thankfully that didn't happen again.  This may be the beginning of the bigger picture.  We know that stupid Murphy is going to win, but we are not giving in so easy.  I can still make some pretty tasty broths and that daily chocolate malt is full of protein powder.
Walt is still pretty comfortable pain wise.  He is very weak and getting a little wobbly.  Lack of food will do that to you.  He is good company and still loves to visit with his friends and family.  The most fun we are having right now is with our animals.  The 3 cats are so funny and all have different personalities.  Peaches (we thought he was a girl) hangs around the most.  Big orange cat that loves to cuddle.  Charlie (a girl, I know, we are all messed up) comes in to eat and say "Hi" a couple of times a day.  Sophie (we got it right?) She's the social one.  Company comes and she's all over them.  She literally chases Walt's Home Health Aid, Lana, when she comes on Thursdays.  She especially loves to rub up against her black pants.  Yes, she's white.  The most fun thing to watch is the 4 chickens chasing the cats.  They will run the length of the yard and those birds mean business.  I wish I got as much exercise as they do.  The cats have a dog door so they can escape into the house.  I'm just waiting for the day that the chickens figure that door out.
We have some wonderful friends that want to have a party for Walt.  It will be on October 26th.  Friends from S. California are going to be here and we just thought it would be nice to all get together.  We would love it if all of our friends from everywhere could come.  No matter what, it will be a joyous occasion.  We don't know what will be happening then (we don't even know what each day is going to bring), but we are having a good time planning.  Walt says, "Even if I'm not there I will have had a hand in planning it".  We are going through all of our old pictures to put his life together and that is a blast.  Makes us realize that we have had a busy, full, happy life.
We are hoping all is well with all of you.  It's not easy to live in this world these days, but if we can just keep praying for each other it will help.  The talk at our meeting today is on the resurrection.  What a wonderful hope we have.  Don't know if Walt will be up to going, but if not we do have the provision of listening to our meeting on the phone.  So, no matter what we will be encouraged by it.  I love Sundays.
We love you all.

Good Day And Bad Day-All In The Same Day

Life has become a mystery around here.  We never know what the day will bring.  It usually starts at breakfast.  Most days Walt feels pretty good when he wakes up.  He's sleeping good at night and taking several naps during the day.  Breakfast brings an attempt to get food down and have it stay down.  We can only guess what's going on.  The food (sometimes) stops in the esophagus.  It is very painful and sometimes comes back up and out.  Other times the food goes down just fine.  Yesterday, for example, breakfast was horrible.  Walt suffered for a long time with only a few bites not wanting to go down.  At lunch we had friends over and he ate a few noodles and a shrimp and it was just fine.  At dinner he ate 5 hot wings!  Go figure.  I think it's something that is happening while he sleeps, but there are times when dinner won't go down either.  Our doctor said it will just get worse because it is probably the tumor growing, but we are doing little things to make life easier.  Pills are the worst going down so we have resorted to a pain patch and liquid tylenol and ibuprofen.  He doesn't eat bread or things like that because the dryness is what gets stuck.  So his favorites right now - breakfast burrito, any kind of soup (especially likes egg drop) and those infamous hot chicken wings.  Oh, at least one chocolate malt a day if not more.  We did discover that the burrito has to come out of the tortilla, but I put country gravy over it in a bowl and that makes Walt very happy.  You might think that soft or liquid in the morning might help, but it has the same reaction so he just wants to try to eat what he really likes while he still can.
Walt has always been determined to do what makes him happy.  Thankfully he is also more determined to do what makes others happy too.  It reminds me of the story he tells of being 3 years old and wanting to go out and play.  The rest of the house was sleeping.  He was on the second story so he grabbed his shoes and climbed down the tree outside his window.  He went to the little market next door to have the store owner tie his shoes.
So, we are trying to keep our life full and happy.  We had the most wonderful visit with my dad and step mom.  So funny.  My dad is actually my step father, but he has raised me since I'm very young and I couldn't have had a better father.  My step mother is a remarkable woman in that she has made sure to keep my dad very close to our family ever since she came on the scene over 31 years ago.  We celebrated their anniversary while they were here.  Still can't believe my 87 year old father traveled by train from Southern California to see us.  Spent a lot of time with the kids and my brother.  Happy times.
Walt loves company.  If he gets tired he just excuses himself and goes back to his man cave.  He very rarely does that because he truly loves his friends.  It is our turn to entertain the Sunday speaker with hospitality.  We usually have it at our house because we have the most room of anyone in our group.  I gave Walt the option and he wanted to have all of the friends come here.  We are having a Mexican theme and everyone will bring different dishes and most of them Walt won't be able to eat, but that really doesn't bother him.  He's after the company.
It's hard for me to sit down and write this blog because I always think I don't have much to say.  Look at this.  Get me on a roll and I don't want to stop.  Just know that we are hanging in there and so far so good.  We are still loving life, looking on the bright side and looking forward to the new world where there will be no more suffering, tears and heartache.  Thank you for your continued prayers.  Love you all.

Food, Food, Wonderful Food

Sorry it has been so long since I posted.  I thought of naming this entry "Boring" because that is what it has been around here since I have been relieved of my main purpose in life right now....killing Murphy.  Going to have to rename this entire Blog "Feeding Murphy".  I truly hope this doesn't distress some of you, but we are just very open and up front in this house.  Walt is very happy with his decision to just do what makes him happy.  Happy right now is not thinking about anything except what his next meal will be.  Since food has been such a major part of our life that makes sense to me.  What is hard for me is that with all of the research I did in order to fight this illness I have learned a lot about the food we eat.  Walt wants to eat all of the really bad stuff.  Oh well.
He has gained a lot of his strength back.  Not wobbling all over the place and is able to stay awake longer in the day.  He has had some really good days.  We went to Medford (for toilet paper at Costco AND food) and he was able to walk the store! Amanda and the boys went with us.  We went to Walt's favorite restaurant Hometown Buffet.  We both get great joy watching our grandchildren discover new things in life.  This is now Thomas' favorite restaurant.  He told his dad that we went to the "stand up" restaurant.  He got to eat all of the clam chowder he wanted, had a slushy and an ice cream cone.  Gavin tasted Grumpy's mac n cheese and decided he needed a plate of his own. Walt went out to breakfast with his friend Bob the next morning and the best thing of all is that we spent the entire day at our Circuit Assembly yesterday.  We plan on being there today, also.  A very fond memory is that of going to the 3 sometimes 4 day conventions with good friends when we first started studying the bible with Jehovah's Witnesses.  There would be big groups of friends all sitting together (at Jack Murphy Stadium in San Diego).  Auntie Sharon always brought a big bag of mixed candy that we passed around.  Yesterday, Walt was trying to relive that memory.  He kept pulling candy out of his bag.
Funny story: At the meeting last Sunday Walt was telling people who wanted to visit that there was a cover charge.  Monday friends Whitney, Aaron, Brent and Amy came with, you guessed it....a chocolate shake. We called Robin and Andy to join us.  We ate a plate of cookies and chicken pot pie (in that order) while Walt ate his shake.  We were all in "comfort food heaven".
We have had so many friends pop in to visit.  This is good for Walt, but it has always been my dream to be the place that people feel welcome and want to come.  Friends have shared their gardens with us and mopped my floors (thanks wonder woman, Sharon) and helped in so many ways.  Our far away family is keeping in touch with phone calls and cards and it all makes such a difference in how you get through each day.
Wish this was all good news, but we are dealing with terminal cancer here.  Walt has requested (and received) many different foods that he has been craving.  He ate homemade chocolate pudding with fresh whipped cream until it was coming out of his ears.  He got his hot wings and pork chops.  The bad news is that it doesn't all go down so easy.  He suffers a terrible pain when trying to swallow at the beginning of each meal.  Some things just won't go down.  He wanted meatloaf, but it makes him feel sick.  Last night I made him a favorite, beef and noodles.  That came back up before it ever went down.  I put a corned beef (thanks Amanda) in the crock pot last night and its ready this morning cause he wants hash for breakfast.  I don't mind making all of the things he's craving, except that when he can't eat them guess who does!  I'm going to gain back all that I lost while doing the cancer diet with him.
So, we are just doing life each day and praying for the best.  So far Jehovah has blessed our efforts and my Walt is as happy as he can be under these circumstances.  Today my father and step mother are arriving from Camarillo, Ca on the train for a short visit.  They love Walt very much and are showing it with this trip.  My dad just turned 87!  Wish we all had the circumstance to do what we'd like to, but again, just know that all of our friends and family are doing what we need most right now.  Please, keep us in your prayers.  We don't need much..........just the strength to get through.  Your are all in my prayers, too.

The Wicked Witch Has Left The Building

First off I have to tell you that right now Walt is having a massage, so lets not feel to sorry for him.  Really, it helps him so much.  Lots of tight muscles get some relief.
About two hours after I wrote the last blog on Sunday everything in our life changed.  Walt was so pathetic.  Weak, couldn't (wouldn't) eat.  He went in his recliner and slept the afternoon away.  The day was so emotional seeing him try so hard just to walk.  I did a lot of thinking and praying and then I talked to my dad. He said things like "He's fooled the doctors for a lot of years.  You've had a good long life together, etc."  I started reasoning on the fact that we are trying to help him with this wonderful protocol that I truly believe has saved a lot of lives, but it can't be doing much for Walt because he can't do half of it.  He was doing no juicing because he just didn't have room for it after everything else. I needed to face the fact that he has so much more going on than just the cancer that we didn't find out about in a very timely manner.  Bad lungs, bad heart, diabetes.  He has fought a long hard battle all through his life.  Every time I would give him his mineral drink he would say, "That a chocolate milkshake?"  So.............I checked on him.  Still in his chair, slumped over and mouth open sleeping like a baby.  I got in the car and drove to Dairy Queen.  (This is where you say "Yea!!!!)  I bought him a chocolate shake and a hamburger.  He's still asleep when I get home so I set it on his table and the smell must have gotten to him because he woke up immediately.  I told him it was a message.  The message was that I wanted him to do what would make him happy.  When he took a sip of the milkshake I told him that was my answer.  We talked a lot, cried a lot, even laughed a lot, but in the end he has decided that he just wants to eat what he wants and let everything else take its course.  The next morning he had his poached eggs (he gets stuck on something he really likes), and hash browns with sausage gravy.  He has made many requests since then and I have managed to accommodate them.  Food has always been such a huge part of our life and it makes Walt a very happy guy.  He actually seems to have more life in him.  We are still doing some things to keep the pain under control. So far still no drugs.
So I will keep everyone posted as to how things are going, but just know that at this time Walt has a big smile on his face and he just told me he could use another chocolate shake.  Thankfully Amanda is here and now she is on her way to Dairy Queen.
Oh, the wicked witch was me trying to get Walt to down all of the nasty stuff.  The old me is back and I'm already thinking about what I can bake.
Thanks again, and love to all.

You Reading This, Walt?

So much to do and not the time to do it.  Especially for Walt.  He has such an intense schedule of what he has to do next that it's becoming overwhelming.  Mostly because he spends so much time with his eyes closed.  He is very weak and tired all of the time. We had a Skype phone conversation with the cancer researcher on Friday.  It was 2 hours and 45 minutes of intense learning.  Amanda took notes and Walt moaned because he just kept hearing more and more of what we have to do next.  So very interesting and informative, but also a lot of work.  Not sure how much of it we will be able to put into play as Walt is to tired and weak to do much of anything.  I told someone the other day (probably Amanda, cause I tell her everything) that I write this blog with only one person in mind.  The rest of you can weed through and hopefully get some understanding, but my objective is to try to keep everyone informed without embarrassing Walt.  He is my main focus so not everything gets told here, but I am not trying to sugar coat things either.  Every day is a struggle and it brings new trials.  Just know that we are trying our best to do what we can to make life comfortable and happy.  It's not easy to know what is best, but so far we have managed to keep Walt out of pain and he sleeps real good.  Tomorrow we will get a chair for the shower (don't we all want an excuse to sit down and let the water run over us? Thanks Walt, now I can).  He can't stand for long periods so that will help him.
We went to a gathering last night.  Lots of good food and great company.  Happy Anniversary Theresa and Dan and thanks for the fun evening.  Walt was so happy to get out and enjoy the company.  He especially loved the stuffed jalapenos even tho I took the bacon off.
 We went to our meeting this morning, but it was a struggle.  He couldn't remember how to tie his tie (this is just part of the weakness.  It effects all parts of the body).  He is very wobbly on his feet and looks so frail in his way over sized suit.  When we walked in it just set the whole congregation into a tizzy (I like that word, tizzy.  It's funny).  Some who hadn't seen him in a while were a little surprised and the tears flowed.  Well, I can manage if I don't see others crying, but I'm a goner when I do.  What a chain reaction.  But, Walt was overwhelmed (in a good way) with all of the attention he was getting.  Brother's were dressing him (tied his tie) and sisters were kissing and hugging him.  The love we both felt was incredible.  The talk was beautiful about "Family Life That Warms Your Heart".  My favorite part was when the brother was talking about different situations that might be hard to deal with.  He used the scripture in Galatians 6:9 "So let us not give up in doing what is fine, for in due season we shall reap if we do not tire out".  Think that will become my new favorite scripture.  Don't want to give up.
We have so many wonderful friends and family.  We are truly blessed and very comforted by all.  Someday I will be able to "tell all" on the many different ways we have been helped, but for now just know that you are all helping with your prayers.  Thank you and love to all.

A Revelation

Okay, it's 2am and I can't sleep anymore.  Turned off the light at 9:30 because I couldn't keep my eyes open another minute, but I guess 4 hours of good sleep is all I get for now.
The good news is Walt is sleeping like a baby and NO pain meds.  That has been our goal for the week and it's working.  I know I spoke of the fact that we are working on building up the good cells in Walt instead of attacking Murphy right now, but some of the information I've gleaned recently has truly been a revelation.  We are not fighting cancer, we are repairing Walt's whole internal system.  With the restoration of his inner workings the mess that is going on now will clear up on its own.  Sounds like building up the immune system, but that's only the end result.  Putting the body back in the correct balance so that the brain can communicate correctly and tell everything what to do to stay healthy is the main focus right now.
Right now I am working on a schedule.  There is so much to do in a day that we have yet to fit it all in.  We are changing some eating habits to get the most nutrients on board so that means the poached eggs have to go for now.  Breakfast will consist of the Budwig diet of cottage cheese and flax oil.  If it sounds gross believe me it is.  But, Walt doesn't mind and I can put berries (blackberries are his favorite) and nuts in it.  There is a whole chemistry behind this but I won't bore you with the details.  Then the juicing starts (8 oz at a time every hour).  Oh, before every meal is the Cellect (an amazing combination of amino acids, etc) and cod liver oil.  There are a couple of other things that we have to do in a day, but that would be "to much information".  One of the things that Walt has to fit in is sitting in the sun.  This is a major part of his protocol.  So amazing how we have been told for years to protect ourselves from the sun.  So wrong.  We need that natural vitamin D so much that it can actually heal us.
Yesterday Walt saw his doctor.  Another amazing revelation.  He has been on coumadin (rat poison) for years now because of his Afib.  The doctor said it only has a 7 percent success rate for preventing strokes.  7 percent!!  He had to come off because of all of the greens we are putting into him.  That will thin his blood enough naturally.  He had some tests last week and he is not anemic. Yea.
The kids were here yesterday.  The boys took a nap and Amanda ran some errands for us and her.  She came back with a surprise for the boys.  She has been tying towels around their necks so they can play "super hero" and fly around the house.  She found them actual capes with little masks.  They were so excited.  Thomas picked the black one (he's all in to being the bad guy) and Gavin got the red.  Thomas says to Grumpy, "I'm the bad guy".  Gavin walks up to Grumpy and says "I'm the baby".  He's so funny.
So, we're still kicking.  Time is a rare commodity these days.  I have been so worried about some of the people that I go to see every month to have bible discussions.  I had a friend (Thanks Theresa) go to see them and they were all so kind and anxious to see me again so that's a load off the mind.  Another friend came to mow and weed our yard (I promised Bob I wouldn't mention his name.  Oops.)  It's so wonderful the support we get from you all.  Just knowing you have a listening ear (by reading this) helps tremendously.
Thanks again for the prayers.

Update

Last week was busy.  We had a great time on the coast.  Windy, foggy and cold, but it wasn't home and we got to eat some good food and have a great time with the kids.
Since arriving home we have been working on the new protocol for Walt.  We spent time attacking Murphy, but when Walt kept losing weight I checked with the cancer researcher we have been working with and he said it was because we needed to work on building up his good cells.  He said many people die of cancer cancer free because the cancer has depleted the nutrients in the cells that don't have cancer.  So, Walt is on the Cellect/Budwig protocol.  It consists of a lot of juicing (carrots, green apples and a green drink) and a lot of flax seed oil.  It's work and not all of it tastes good, but I just keep reminding him that it's not chemo and he won't lose his hair.
We made it to our meeting Sunday morning.  Walt and Gavin slept through half of it.  We had a very good speaker and the Watchtower lesson was so good, but when you are almost 73 and sick or 2 years old and its nap time,  it must not matter where you are, you just sleep.
We have called in Hospice.  Now, no one panic.  To most people Hospice means "end of life".  That is not always the case and you can even "graduate" from Hospice.  Of course, when the doctor tells you that you should call in Hospice then you know that it is serious.  We are just trying to be prepared.  We met with our contact person, Bonnie, Monday morning.  Today Bonnie came back to get all of the paperwork signed and our nurse, Cindy and our social worker came.  We don't have a great need right now, but Walt has been experiencing some increased pain so we want to stay on top of everything.  Also, because of where the tumor is (at the opening to his stomach) it could take a turn for the worst very quickly.  With Hospice we have 24/7 access to our doctor. He would even come to the house if Walt couldn't make it to the office (do you believe it? I thought "house calls" were a thing of the past).  Anything we might need they can get for us.  They are very kind and caring wanting to do anything to make Walt (and me) as comfortable as possible.  He honed in right away to the fact that he can get massage therapy right here at home.  Good thing for him cause I'm not good in that department. The really amazing thing is that they are all on board with our use of natural medicine rather than conventional.  I have even been able to educate them about some of the things that I have learned in my research.  Walt is loving all of the attention.
We are using some essential oils in our treatment (thanks, Thora).  They really do work as far as having some calming effects.  Good for sleep.  The doctor wanted Walt to have an electric chair because he is getting a little unsteady on his feet.  He has fallen a couple of times.  The Hoveround has been here a couple of days and Walt is as crazy a driver in that as he is a car.  (Just my opinion).  I'm sure he will get better with practice. Got to get a ramp for the van.
That's enough for now.  We are so grateful for the prayers and concerns.  Guess it's not easy to make a comment here (got your card Joyce) and we understand that because it's only the really savvy computer people who have figured it out so not to worry.  We are very happy that you care enough to read this.  Love you all.

Happy Anniversary To Us

Forty one years!!! How does that happen?  Last year on this very day we were on the coast because the kids gave us a trip to Newport (That would be Newport,  Oregon for those who might think we went to California). Right now we are in Newport WITH the kids. Amanda,  George,  Thomas & Gavin were coming here for a short vacation and Walt said he wanted to go so they stuffed us in and here we are.  The two old people have more stuff than the four of them. Oxygen,  drugs,  special food, but Walt felt he could make the trip and so far so good.  We were excited to get adjoining rooms at the motel. The little boys thought that was great fun to go back and forth. About the third time of slamming the two doors together we all figured that back fired on us. We got here about 3 p.m. The fog was already moving in and the wind had picked up but we (well, me and the boys) took off our shoes and put our toes in the soft sand. They were so cute feeling that for the first time.  Thomas and I ran from a couple of waves, but when our feet turned red from the cold we had to give up. Poor Grumpy stayed in the car cause it was just too cold for his skinny body. For those of you that might not know Grumpy is the name given to Walt by Austin 14 years ago.  It fits him well some days. We had a great dinner, Walt got to eat Mexican prawns and a piece of my fish without the chips and I took the breading off.  I think I would be so sad to see all the good food and not be able to eat it, but he views this as an adventure and really wants to starve that Murphy.
I will post more after we get home.  Just wanted everyone to know we are still in there fighting and doing pretty good. Must be those prayers. Thanks for hanging in there with us. Oh, and tthanks for the comments. Walt loves to read those best.

Happy (Bonanza) Days

What a good, good weekend!  We try not to be overly optimistic, the operative word being overly.  Optimistic is a good thing, but we don't want it to set us on the wrong course.  Like feeling so good that you don't need to do that anymore.  With all of this research we have stumbled upon some really good advise and products that are making our life better even if we weren't dealing with Murphy.  Everything from stuff to make Murphy go away to music and mental exercises to help with the stress of it all.  Of course, we wouldn't want anyone to think that we are putting anything above our faith in what we get from our god, Jehovah and the wonderful international brotherhood.  We work really hard to keep a balance in our lives and keep the kingdom first, because in the end (whatever that might be) we want to be in the new world with all of our friends.
We spent Sat. morning in Bonanza, the little town we first lived in when we moved to Oregon.  Every year the town puts on a celebration of the town.  For many years we participated in the event (we sold desserts) so we get an ego boost when we see people there who remember us and beg us to come back.  Because we had the breakfast business for 3 1/2 years and Walt worked as a server in my brothers restaurant after that he knows a lot of people and because he is Walt a lot of people love him and were happy to see him.   It was fun watching the grandkids collect candy during the parade.  We got there at 10:30 and he was "done" by noon.  The rest of the day was spent resting up.
Sunday morning meeting was great. We couldn't stick around and visit because Walt's medication for pain was about at it's end so we needed to get home and get some more on board.  His pain isn't too bad if he keeps up the drugs, but we are still dealing with it with fairly benign medication (tylenol & ibuprofen). Stupid Murphy still wants to make it's presents known.  We are on day 3 of no problems eating and Walt's appetite seems to be improving some.  We are down one more pound, but the weight loss seems to have slowed down drastically.  It's got to be all of the protein I'm stuffing down him.
So, thanks again for the prayers.  They are working because we feel like we could conquer the world.  We love you all.

It's All About The Food

So, we are having some good days and some bad days.  The bad days consist of extreme tiredness and more than the usual pain.  Still controlling the pain with tylenol and ibuprofen.  Good days are just tiredness.  I was real concerned with Walt's weight loss.  Much more than he was.  He kept saying "a few more pounds and I'll weigh what I did when we got married".  When he lost 3 lbs. in 2 days I got kicked into high gear.  Did some more research and started pounding down the protein.  So, with the poached eggs in the morning he is getting cottage cheese, a small beef patty and avocado.  Walt loves his avocado mashed with salt and onion powder.  Yum.  Last night I made shrimp, avocado and broccoli wrapped in a lettuce leaf.  Egg drop soup on the side.  Shrimp has to be wild caught (twice as expensive, of course). Shrimp is good for you because it has a lot of B vitamins and protein.  Beef is grass fed. ($4.00 a pound) Why does it have to be so expensive to be healthy?  I have beef jerky in the oven drying out.  Walt needs to snack and there are just not a lot of choices.  I have to make my own cause I can't find one without sugar.  It was a blessing to find out that he can have meat, just not big amounts that take his immune system a lot of work to digest.

We drove out to Bonanza yesterday to take Thomas home and sit in the park to watch the kids play.  Thomas stayed a couple of nights with us while Amanda took the big kids to visit with their dad for a few weeks.  George couldn't go cause the first night we had Gavin he got sick in the middle of the night with a terrible cough.  George had to come get him.  We just can't have sickness in this house.  The sitting in the sun is part of Walt's therapy.  Soaking up as much Vitamin D as possible will help his immune system.

Here's a fact:  We all have cancer cells in our bodies.  The reason some people get tumors is that their immune systems can't fight it off.  Please all of you, work on making your immune systems the best it can be.

I got to thinking that if anyone has a comment or suggestion that you might not want to post here I will give you my email address.  Think most of you have it, but just in case:  conniejn1@gmail.com

Friends and family are back in their homes in Idyllwild.  That fire was too close for comfort and we are all grateful for the prayers that helped our friends cope with a terrifying situation.
And, of course, thank you for your prayers for Walt and myself.  You can't imagine the comfort they bring us.  

To Much Worry

Our children's childhood home is on fire.  Idyllwild has been evacuated.  We lived there 11 years until Walt and I were forced to move to the desert because of his lung disease.  This is where we first studied the bible and got baptized. Amanda lived there even after we left and Kristopher lives there now.  We have so many friends there.  There are about 40 brothers and sisters in the congregation there and I got to know everyone of them when I was there for 3 months 2 years ago.  Kris is safe.  Last night we heard that he was in Mt Center about 10 miles from Idyllwild, but in an area that was already passed over by the fire.  Haven't heard an update all day so don't know if the town is still standing. Such a worry.
Walt is having a nice day.  His long time friend Bob came for breakfast this morning.  Walt and Bob have gone for breakfast once a week for years.  They used to go with John, but he died a few years back from black tar lung disease.  It's so difficult for Walt to find anything to eat at a restaurant so it's easier for them to come here.  Bob and John used to come to the restaurant when we had it so I'm used to cooking for Bob.  He's pretty easy to please.  I made seafood omelets (do you believe it NOT poached eggs!) and they were happy guys.
I juiced some carrots and beets today.  Carrot juice is a big cancer fighter so it is a must.  Good thing Walt likes it.
We had a visit from friends Theresa and Dan.  Walt had a beautiful salad for lunch made from the organic veggies from their garden.  Thanks for the special treat and the cuck was delicious.  Walt got a card from his niece, Jannette.  It was so special.  We have many fond memories of all of the family that was at one time in Ohio and are now all over the place.
I have to say again, in case anyone missed it.  We have heard from so many friends and family that we haven't talked to in forever.  Again, that is not a sad thing.  With our busy lives we can't possibly keep up with everyone and everything we have to do.  What a blessing to know that our long lost (or not) friends think about us and are there for us when we need them.  That means you Dina & Oscar, Tim & Olga, Tim & Karen, Becky, Joyce & Don and anyone else I forgot because my brain is fried.  We love you all and thank you again for your prayers.  Walt has such a positive, happy attitude and I give the credit to all of you keeping him in your thoughts and prayers.
Update:  Guess what Walt wants for dinner?  You guessed it.  3 poached eggs!

Life Goes On---Yea!

Monday morning.  Walt has had his 3 poached eggs (good protein) which he has had almost every morning for weeks now.  He's a funny guy.  He gets stuck on something and he wants it over and over again.  I would change it up with a veggie omelet or something, but he's happy with his poached.
He's feeling pretty good.  We had a busy weekend and he not only survived, but enjoyed himself.  The kids stopped by Sat. afternoon.  Walt was asleep in his chair, but that didn't last long.  When Gavin (2 yr old) hits the front door he heads for Walt's room (man cave) because he has to see his Grumpy first thing.  George needed to measure my chicken coop so he could make some boxes for my girls to lay eggs.  He also found us a juicer so Walt can drink lots of carrot juice.  A real good cancer fighter.
Sunday we went to our meeting and Walt did the sound.  After that we had 21 friends from the Kingdom Hall over for hospitality.  We have visiting speakers every Sunday and they usually come from far away so we have them for a meal before they have to travel back to their homes.  Everyone brought food and so many were mindful of Walt's diet so we had lots of salad and fruit.  After everyone left except special friends, Andy and Robin, we were able to share our holistic treatments with each other (it is foremost on our minds).  Andy has to deal with many severe health issues too. What a blessing to have good friends to share with.  I feel that way about all of you who take the time to read my ramblings.  You are all a blessing.
We have heard from many family members and friends that we haven't talked to in years.  I was thinking that it is sad that we mostly talk to far away people only when there is tragedy upon us.  But you know, its not sad.  We have such busy lives that we can't ever expect to be close to everyone or we would be so full of anxiety because we missed someone (especially if we have big families and lots of friends).  We should be very happy to realize that those friends and family are there for us when we need them most.
Walt talked to his baby sister, Marlene.  Cracks me up cause she's my age, but she will always be his baby sister.  I got a message from my sisters Cindy and Deb.  Don't talk with these folks often, but we know they have our back.  So, to all of you, thank you again, especially for your prayers.  We could (and hopefully WILL) be in this for the long hall so we still have a need for those prayers.  Love you all.

Here's The Scoop

Some who are reading this and a lot who are not have questions as to what kind of treatment we are doing.  The only options we have are to attack the tumors.  They are so fast moving that we don't have enough time to build Walt's immune system to be able to handle them alone.  We are also working on that aspect but the attack is on.  There is so much information out there that it has taken me a little time to put it all together.  The last thing we want to do is more harm or cancel out the good by using things together that don't work together.  We are using a website that we got from the doctors office.  It's called cancertutor.com and it's amazing.  The whole thing is put together by a man who has been a trained cancer researcher since 2002.  There is no advertizing and he is not selling anything.  We are using the Dirt Cheap Protocol.  We are implementing the things that are meant to deal with our type of cancer and the fact that it is fast growing and stage 4.  We are doing the baking soda and the cancer diet.  Yesterday we tried the 6 lemons a day.  Didn't work.  Walt felt bad and just couldn't get it down so we are nixing that one.  We have been told that the most important guide is how he feels.  So tomorrow we are going to do the honey treatment.  The honey will be a vehicle for turmeric, cinnamon, and ginger.  We will keep trying every treatment on this protocol.  There are friends and family who have many suggestions.  We look into them all and appreciate the concern.  Know this, I have the email address of the researcher and I can ask him any question and he gets right back to me.  He is better than a doctor because he just wants to help.  He doesn't ask for a dime and is giving us the treatments we can afford and are the best for Walts condition.  We would love the outcome to be a cure, but if it buys time and keeps him out of pain then that's a plus.  Perhaps the cancer can be kept at bay so that we can build that immune system.
I did find some contradictions on the website as far as what Walt could eat on the cancer diet.  It says "no meat".  Then on the protocol it said that if he wasn't taking these certain enzymes he could eat meat.  So, I asked Webster and he said Walt could eat meat.  He also said that dairy products are not good for any human, but not forbidden on the diet.  I also asked about the Zeolite we use in our house for cleaning, etc.  He said it wasn't a cancer cure, but it does remove the metals from your system so he should take it too.  He does.
So tonight Walt had a small hamburger patty on lettuce with tomato and avocado.  He was in hog heaven.  He won't get a lot of meat and mostly organic chicken, but it is a treat.
Hope this isn't all boring.  It is what is foremost on our minds and consumes our life right now so please bare with us.
Thanks again and love you all.

Distractions Are Good

Good distractions are great!  Our good distractions left this morning.  It is sad and I am missing them terribly already.  There is no replacement for wonderful friends who love you.  Walt and I have many wonderful friends right here near to us.  We get to see them all of the time and for that we are so grateful.  Long distance friends are so special because you don't see them enough and when you get to see them life is good.    Sharon, Peggy, Meegan and Bailey were so helpful in many ways.  Mentally, emotionally, physically (they mopped, vacuumed, washed, planted, swept, cleaned, etc.) and especially spiritually.  While they were here we got to have our granddaughter Madison too.  What a hard worker she is.  We also have the blessing of having our daughter Amanda close.  What a help she is and especially when she brings George (who hauled away our dump stuff), Austin (who cleans out the chicken coop) and Thomas and Gavin who just make us smile and sometimes laugh hysterically.
We got some good news from the doctor Monday.  We finally found out where Murphy is.  The esophagus spans the space between the top of your throat to the top of your stomach.  Murphy is at the top of his stomach so it shouldn't impede his airway should it grow.  We love our doctor.  He looks at us sideways sometimes when we tell him some of the things we are doing to get rid of Murphy, but he knows he is there to only tell us if we could be doing something detrimental to Walt's overall health.  So far so good.
I have found some incredible information in all of the research I've been forced to do.  Here's a tidbit that I don't think many know.
Salt...........Our bodies need salt, but not the stuff in processed foods or regular old table salt even if its sea salt.  By the way, all salt comes from the sea.  What our bodies need is the Real Salt that is mined from ancient deposits that are full of trace minerals that help our bodies thrive (and don't raise your blood pressure).  Walt gave up salt a year ago because he was told that its just not good for you.  Now he has to get used to the salty flavor again because this is one of the things that he has to have on the cancer protocol we are following.  He needs all of those minerals to build his immune system.  Who knew? We have 25lbs coming.
Since I last wrote here Walt has made it to two meetings, Sunday and last night.  He gets tired, but is always happy he could get out to get his spiritual food.  Yesterday Andy and Folsom came by for a very nice visit.  We are looking forward to having hospitality at our house this coming Sunday after meeting.  Walt talked with his two brothers last week.  He says its like no time at all has gone by.  Thanks guys.
Thanks for all of the prayers and well wishes.  Theresa, thanks for the olive oil..........we are set for life.
We love you all.

So Much To Talk About

Feeling a little overwhelmed.  There has been so much to consider, think we have settled on a plan.  The naturopath yesterday was wonderful.  She spent and hour and forty-five minutes with us.  She listened and asked a lot of questions.  She gave us some good guidelines and a plan of action.  Walt has decided he doesn't want to go back though for a couple of good reasons.  There is a great deal of cost involved, not just with the doctor but with the travel.  It is a rough trip for him and he would rather not do it.  Also, she indicated that we are already on the right track with a few tweeks.
We are having a great time with friends who have come from California to help.  Our friend Peggy is an RN and is so helpful with all of the medical stuff.  Sharon was there when we learned the Truth so she knows us inside and out. Right now Sharon is mopping my floor and Peggy is talking about medications with Walt.   What a blessing.
Yesterday we ate lunch at Chipotle.  What a great place to pick and choose what you will eat.  Their food is suppose to be organic and you can pick what you want to build a salad, taco or burrito.  We were able to stay in the guidelines of our food plan.
Walt went to breakfast with his friend Bob this morning.  He feels pretty good.  They had to go to Denny's because everything else was closed.  He had poached eggs and a bowl of fruit.  Stayed on his diet.  What a guy.
Thanks for listening to me ramble again. Prayers are keeping us strong and sane.  Thanks so much.

Oh Well......

We had a wonderful visit with the pulmonary doctor today even though the news was not good.  Walt has not one friend of Murphy, but two.  Oh well.  It doesn't change much.  Still don't know if they are  independent of the one in the esophagus or metastasis, but again it doesn't matter because our treatment would be the same.   We have such a close relationship with our doctor that it was very hard on him.  He did save our daughters life after all and Walt's too.  He was so kind and understanding of what we want to do and he will do any follow up needed.
We made it to our Sunday morning meeting yesterday.  So many sad faces, but everyone was happy to see Walt even though there is about 20 lbs less of him to see.  He fit into a suit that he hasn't worn in years and he outgrew right after he got it.  It's like he is able to shop in his own closet.  I was able to go out in service this morning because we have a wonderful friend from Placerville, Ca. visiting to help out.  David chauffeured us to the doctor and to get more oxygen for Walt.  Then he put up a new ceiling fan in the bedroom.  What a guy.
We are truly feeling the strength needed to endure all of this bad news.  Keep those prayers coming because it is the very best that any of us can do.  We love you all.  

When It Rains It Pours

Walt has had a couple of pretty good days.  He even walked around Walmart with me for a few minutes today.  Yesterday was sad.  Amanda came with the kids and helped me clean house getting ready for company coming tomorrow.  I had had some sleepless nights because we were having some discussions about whether it was time to have our sweet little 15 year old yorkie put to sleep.  It was time.  She suffered with diabetes and was blind and deaf.  I just didn't want to see her suffer and it was taking a lot of time for her care.  I took her to the vet and they were really very kind and caring.  It was the right decision, but that doesn't make it any easier.  We will have very fond memories of the dog that actually nursed 3 kittens and shared her last meal with one of them.  Todie was a good dog.
We have had so many well wishes from friends and family.  Thanks to all for the cards, the visits, the phone calls.  It  helps Walt deal with all the hard stuff I am putting him through.  Poor guy had green beans and a mock coleslaw for dinner.  But..........I am making him peach ice cream for a treat.  Peaches and almond milk in the blender.
Again, thank you all for the prayers.  Our friend Judy told us she prays for us to have to have the peace of mind "than excels all thought".  What could be better than that.

Busy, busy, busy

I started a post yesterday, but got sidetracked.  Went to the hospital in the morning for a cat scan.  Walt's pulmonary doctor wants to see what the mass in his chest looks like.  We have an appointment with him on Monday.  Walt is still feeling pretty good.  We are continuing the diet.  We have spent a lot of time with family since my mother and stepfather got here Wed.  Went to my brothers restaurant that night for dinner.  We took Walt's dinner with us.  Yesterday we had breakfast at a restaurant with the folks.  Walt had two poached eggs and fruit.  Last night we went to dinner at Amanda's.  George BBQ'd.  I made roasted veggies and some pesto and salsa that Walt could eat with more raw veggies.  He is going to turn into a carrot cause that's his favorite.  He can see all this other food around him and have no problem at all not eating it because he feels so much better doing what he's doing.  His granddaughter even made a wonderful ice cream cake and he didn't even flinch.  What a guy.  Mom and grandpa Al are leaving today and taking Maddy with them for a visit.
Walt got to talk with his sister, Nona yesterday.  She is a cancer survivor and full of hope and positive attitude.  Wish she wasn't so far away in Florida.
Wanted to thank the car group that stopped by after service on Wed.  Walt so enjoyed the visit that he didn't even go take a nap.  He does love company.  Hoping all is well with all who are putting up with my ramblings.  As always, thanks for the prayers and the love.

A Little Crazy

So, yesterday I was told by someone near and dear to me that I might be a little obsessed.  Well, she was a little PMSed, but I did step back and she might have been a little right. I just want to do all I can to help Walt get better.  Neither one of us has our head buried in the sand.  We know this is bad, but if you have the ability to try to fix it wouldn't you try. I guess trying everything at once was the issue.  So, we have decided to just do a few things that have already made Walt feel better until we can get a real plan next Wednesday from the Naturopath.  Four times a day Walt takes a mixture of pure maple syrup (must be grade B) and baking soda (must be Arm & Hammer).  This is the only sugar he gets because sugar goes directly to the cancer cells and carries the baking soda which annihilates them. Makes sense, right?  Once a day he has to get down this terrible mixture of flax seed oil (must be the refrigerated kind with no residue) and cottage cheese (must be organic and low fat).  It has to be blended and it gets thick and tastes yucky. He does get to have fruit with it so that helps it go down.  This is part of an oil protein diet.  That's it.  Well, besides no meat, eating mostly raw foods and absolutely nothing processed.
We did get some beautifully home grown greens from friends yesterday.  Yum.  We had some for dinner last night.  Walt had a pretty good day yesterday.  He started to be a little uncomfortable in the late afternoon and we missed our meeting last night, but did listen on the phone.  Love that spiritual food.  It's a blessing to hear all of our friends commenting.  Today we are expecting a visit from my mother and stepfather from Redding.  I ran into a friend in the grocery store yesterday who has recently lost his wife.  He told me that distraction is a really good thing.  Visits from friends and family will be a good distraction.  Please keep my dear sweet Walt in your prayers and thank you all for that.

Good News & Bad News

So, this is not as easy as I thought.  Some things are just hard to share.  Not a fan of doom and gloom.  I'm more the Suzy Sunshine type.  Almost to a fault, I know.
Bad news:  Murphy is an aggressive critter and moving very fast.  Don't know much about his friend in the lung, but that is pretty much a moot point. Whatever we do to Murphy will take care of that guy too.
Good news: We are seeing a Naturopathic Physician in Ashland on July 3rd.  She was booked out until the 17th, but when I told them Walts story she found some time closer.  
We really need some help here.  We have been trying to figure the best course of natural treatment including diet and supplements, but there are a lot of different opinions out there.  This doctor in Ashland cured a friend of terminal breast cancer and is recommended highly by friends.  So until then we will still be doing a very strict routine of not eating the stuff that we know feeds cancer. 
More good news:  Found out very good friends from California are coming to visit.  They are the kind of friends that will be very helpful and encouraging.  Wait.........that sounds like all of our friends.  
Walt is very tired and weak, but still trying to keep up a good routine.  He will attend all of the meetings at the Kingdom Hall that he can and still fulfill his duties at the sound dept.  
I'm going to make him some dinner now.  He has a craving for carrots and butter (two things he is allowed).  Yea! 
Again, thank you for your prayers and the love that we can physically feel, even from afar.   

Tired but happy

We have returned from our short trip to McCloud, Ca.  This will probably be the last for awhile, at least until Walt gains some more strength.  He's very tired and in the bed sleeping.  We enjoyed our family reunion and Walt was able to spend some much needed time sitting in the sun soaking up some vitamin D.  We loved being able to see my dad who will be 87 in a couple of months.  He could run circles around both Walt and myself.  My stepmother, Lois did a wonderful job of organizing the event and we really had a good time talking with everyone about our lives, past and present.  The biggest challenge was the food.   The cancer diet is very limiting and it will get better as time goes by and we get use to it.  Today we met about 20 from the group at a restaurant in Shasta City and we ate a late breakfast. Walt was really happy to have a wonderful scrambled egg thing with a little fruit.  Last nights dinner was hard because we had to order salad (again!) and have oil and vinegar for dressing.  Creamy ranch dressing people don't love oil & vinegar.
I was reminded by a dear friend who posted to the last entry what my spiritual mother, Mary, use to say.  "Happiness shared is doubled & pain shared is cut in half."  This is why I will share.  Thank you all for listening and especially for the prayers.  The love has made Walt feel so good.
We see the doctor in the morning so hopefully we will have some more answers.  I will post more when we know more.

The fun begins

It's 3am something and I have been up since 2 something.  Too much milling around in my brain.  We are leaving in the morning for a small trip that has been planned for a long time.  Family reunion in McCloud, Ca., a couple of hours from here.  We will spend a couple of days with my dad and my step mother.  They both love Walt so much and are happy to be able to see him for a little while.  Because we are trying to kill Murphy and friend (ideas for a name for his pal?) with or without food it has been a struggle for me to come up with travel ideas.  Last night I fed Walt pesto pizza.  He hated it.  The pesto was good.  Basil, spinach, walnuts, garlic, olive oil and parmesan cheese, but the fake pizza crust got to him.  I actually liked it, but poor guy just wants everything to taste like it's suppose too.  You can't make almond flour and flax flour taste like white flour.  So I will have to come up with some stronger toppings to mask the taste and texture of those evil little rounds that are just suppose to be the vehicle for wonderfulness.  On top of that we can only use coconut oil or olive oil.  Those both have very strong flavors.  I made little biscuits that were suppose to be for sandwiches but they taste like very bland cookies.  So last night I made some more but put in some Stevia and made them smaller.  Walt says they are still bland and yucky.  I think it's his taste buds.  I am doing the same diet he is and I like them.  I just made some cheese crisps for the picnic tomorrow (oh, today) that he will be able to dunk into guacamole.  Just little piles of cheddar cheese melted in the microwave and they come out like little crackers.
Okay, I'm going to try to get a few winks before the day is really on.  Thanks for letting me ramble on.  This will be my therapy I think.  And thank you to everyone who responded.  Your thoughts and prayers are so encouraging.  We have heard from friends and family that we haven't seen or talked to in forever and it's like no time has passed at all.  We love you all and thank you again, especially for your prayers.

Murphy's Law

Murphy is the name of Walt's cancerous tumor.  I plagiarized something I read about Murphy's Law.  This tumor was discovered after nothing else could possibly go wrong.  Killing it won't make all things right again, but it will make things better.  Hence, Murphy "you are on your way out".
This all started months ago.  Walt had a pain in his chest that prompted the heart doctor to do an angiogram.  Heart looked pretty good, mild narrowing of the arteries but nothing to be concerned with.  It prompted other doctors to get an upper gi.  Results: Mild hiatal hernia, mild acid reflux.  Take antacids and eat mild food.  Still the pain was terrible and getting worse.  Because Walt has good insurance we decided to take matters into our own hands.  We made an appointment with a specialist.  The gastroenterologist ordered an endoscopy (scope down the throat).  Surprise!  Big tumor in his esophagus.  Walt says "I told you there was something wrong."  
The doctor said he took a biopsy but he knows it is cancer.  They won't know what to do until they do further tests to see what is involved.  So back to Medford for a cat scan.  
We haven't heard any results yet, but that's okay with us because we know the plan of action and it won't change no matter what the doctors say.
We have decided to run Murphy out of town with nutrition.  Doing lots of research and have come up with a plan.  We are learning what cancer feeds on; mostly sugar and some proteins. And what can help Walt's immune system beat that cancer up.  At this time he doesn't plan on surgery or chemo or radiation.  
We found out on Monday and today is Friday.  Walt is not eating any sugar and very few carbs.  We have lots of experimenting to do, but if anyone has a doubt that what you eat doesn't affect your insides here's some proof.  Walt is an insulin dependent diabetic.  He checks his blood sugar often during a day and adjusts his insulin accordingly.  He has needed no insulin for 2 days because his blood sugar is perfect. 
Just heard from the GI doctor.  He says Murphy is adenocarcinoma esophageal cancer. The most common cancer.  He says that Murphy has a friend in the right lung.  He can't tell where it started or if they are independent or if one metastasized.  They won't even consider surgery, but that's okay because we wouldn't either.  
This is all very bad, sad news and I am sorry to be the bearer.  We will be seeing our primary care doctor on Monday and the pulmonary doctor on the first.    This will be our means of communication for now.  I will post updates as much as possible.  
We ask that you please give us the best support that you possibly can and that would be prayer.    
We have not made it this far with Walt's health issues without help from our god, Jehovah.  
Thank you all.