Murphy Won, Sort Of

Time to shut this down.  It was all about Walt.  Can't believe it's been 4 months. Sometimes it feels like it was just a little bit ago and in some respects it seems like it was forever ago.  I miss him, but he loved me so much that I know he would not want me to be sad.  So, life goes on and I will try to make the best of it.
Murphy killed Walt, but not me so I am starting a new blog.  I need it for my own sanity.  If you care to join me and read a lot of mundane stuff I'm at mdkm2013.blogspot.com
Thanks again for being there for me when I needed you most.  I love you all.

This Is Hard

Life isn't hard, writing this blog is hard. I don't ever know what to talk about.  How can you be interested in what I'm doing?  But, I don't feel like I can stop.  It all started with Walt and there have been to many "stops" with him gone.  Also, I have friends who have said they really look forward to reading this. (Thanks Bill) So, guess I'm guilt-ed into putting more life on these pages.
No bad news.  Working at the restaurant is okay.  I'm so grateful to have a job that I don't mind cooking the same thing over and over.  Burgers, burgers, and more burgers.  Fries, fries and more fries.  Then 4 pm Friday night and I'm cooking the most spectacular prime rib dinner.  Only for an hour then I'm out of there.  I have another job on Monday and Tuesday.  I make a main dish for an older couple those two nights.  The wife had a stroke and the husband does a real good job feeding her, but he gets tired of his own cooking so he has a couple of dishes to supplement what he does.  This is fun for me cause I can cook what I want and so far they have loved everything I've made, Lots of comfort food because they love casseroles.  Chicken pot pie, cabbage rolls, chicken and dumplings, etc. Do you think I could call myself a personal chief?
Amanda and I are having fun planning a vacation the first of February.  She and George booked a beach house in Half Moon Bay (40 minutes south of San Francisco) for 4 nights.  George invited me to go along.  Yea!  This is what it looks like here today.

View from my front door

It will be so nice to spend some time in 60 degrees and see white sand instead of white snow.  Not complaining.  We have has so little moisture this winter and I do love the snow.  It does cause a little more work, but that's okay too.  I have to end this because it's getting late and my chickens want out of their house.  I will have to shovel a path for them because they hate the snow.  

The backyard and chicken coop

So, life goes on and I'm still doing okay.  Miss Walt, but still so happy I had such a good time with him and there is so much to look forward to that I just can't be sad.  

Hope this finds all of you happy and healthy.  Thanks again for hanging with me.  

What's Normal?

I keep waiting for things to be back to normal.  The more I say that word the stranger it sounds.  The dictionary says "usual, ordinary" or "not strange".  Well that's never going to happen.  And for that matter I'm not sure I want to be "normal".  Life is strange so how could anyone be normal?  My problem right now is that I don't know how to act.  When so many years are spent being defined a certain way, but that way changes so drastically how do you then define yourself?  In one devastating moment you are no longer wife, partner, companion, caregiver, best friend.  You are alone.  Not lonely.  There is a big difference.  I'm not lonely.  I don't need to have others around I just need something to do.  When your main source of activity is gone you feel so empty.  When every moment is spent thinking about another person, then it's not, what then?  And if you are wracking your brain trying to figure out how you can make it better for me just stop cause you can't. If you are married then you know it took a long time to get used to the other person in your life.  It just takes a long time to get used to the other person not being there anymore. I will survive just as many have before me.  It's one of those life lessons that you don't understand until you have gone through it and then you have great compassion for all who already have or will in the future.
So, a couple of weeks ago I had a 5 minute part on the Theocratic Ministry School (Tuesday night bible study).  The subject was "How we should view Jesus".  I did the research and came up with a setting where the householder had a nativity scene in front of her house and we talked about how people really think about Jesus this time of year, but that so many still view him as a baby.  Well, I was out in the door to door ministry on Wednesday and came upon a house with a HUGE nativity scene in the front yard.  The woman who answered the door was so nice.  Our conversation went almost word for word just like my talk.  She said that she put up the decorations for her mother and that it was a shame that more people didn't view Jesus for the king that he is now ruling in the heavens.  She also asked me to come back so that we could have more discussions about the bible.  Now, that's what keeps me going!  You really have to love people and I want to fill my life with people who care about what's happening around them.
Here I am again thanking you for still being here for me.  It really does help to just "get it off my chest".  I actually think I am doing okay.  Aren't we all going through something that causes us anxiety?  May you all have the peace that comes with knowing that you are loved.

I'm Still Here

 It was so much easier to write about someone else. Walt gave me so much to work with.  Turns out I'm pretty boring.  I miss him, but I have been pretty busy with all of the stuff that comes with eliminating someone from your life.  Doesn't that sound awful?  It is, but it is what you are expected to do.  I hate it.  Here is an example:  The cell phone.  It is in Walt's name.  I was authorized on the account, but can't do anything that involves change.  We have 5 lines on that account.  Me, Walt, Amanda, Madison and a friend. I can't get the account in my name unless I pay $100 per line as a deposit because I don't have any credit in my name.  Who knew? I'm the one who paid the bill for over 5 years, but I can't make any decisions now.  Crazy!
I thought I had escaped any ill effects of the freezing weather.  It's been below zero here for a week.  Last night I heard water running.  It seems I have a problem with an outside facet.  Will call the landlord this morning.  The cold has made my girls (chickens) stay in the roosting position long after the sun (sorta) comes up. Two have frostbite on their combs.  Otherwise they do pretty good still giving me one or two eggs a day.
This morning I heard a trickle of (what I thought was) water in the bathroom.  I jumped out of bed in time to see one of my cats peeing in the toilet!  What???  I guess she is the smart one.  I don't have a litter box.  The cats have to use the dog door and go outside.  Guess she didn't want to do the cold.  Too funny.  Walt would have laughed about that.
You are just never prepared for some things in life.  You might think you know yourself and how you will react.  You might do the research on how to deal with different things, but then something pops up to let you know that you are not invincible.  It's never what you expect.  I went with Amanda to Sacramento and felt so weird because my phone never rang.  Whenever I went anywhere Walt would call me or expect me to call him, because he worried.  There was no one to worry about me.   Such a silly little thing, but it's those kind of things that just catch you off guard.
I'm okay.  Still having lots of wonderful memories of all of those who were there for me when I really needed them (that's all of you).  I am waiting for the DVD to be processed and copied.  I will send them off as soon as I get them.  Thanks again for hanging in there with me.  I love you all.

Life Is (Still) An Attitude

So the attitude now is to not mourn the loss, but be grateful for what I have.  Oh, the loss is still there.  I miss my Walt and I'm sure that will get even worse as all of the commotion dies down, but I refuse to let it consume me.  Because of the love and caring that has surrounded me lately it would be impossible to deny how much I have to be grateful for.
Friends and family who traveled from afar, those who sent their love and support by mail, email, phone, etc. This has all been so special and I can't wait to tell Walt all about it because he would have loved it.  The memorial service was just what I envisioned.  The words were perfect, the emotion behind it all was heartfelt and kind.  I was so pleased.  The gathering after was amazing.  So many friends pulled together to set out a spread that was not only attractive and inviting, but soooooo tasty.  How can I ever thank all involved enough? I guess I just can't.  Please just know how much I appreciate you all.
Austin and Madison are staying with me for a couple of days.  At ages 14 and 12 they pick on each other constantly so I know they are normal kids.  They bring me a lot of joy.  Yesterday Austin cleaned out the chicken coop and Maddy mopped the floors.  I hung some new drapes on the big windows looking out on the backyard.  Never felt a need to have drapes there before, but somehow being alone makes you a little less secure so now I have more privacy.
And life goes on.

Love that Smiling Face

Just some of the goodies

Enjoying life

Stupid Snow

Billings, Montana got enough snow yesterday to postpone my boys trip here.  Walter was suppose to be here today and now it won't be until tomorrow.  I lose a whole day.  Stupid snow.
It looks like it will be a beautiful weekend all but very cold.  Those coming from Southern California are in for frost bite.  They say the sun shines 362 days a year here in Klamath and it does.  Just some days it's only for 5 minutes. We don't get the rain that Oregon is famous for.  That's mostly on the coast.
So, I'm talking about the weather.  Wonder what that means?  I find myself analyzing all of my behaviors lately. Don't think anything has sunk in yet.  I've been too busy planning Walt's memorial and starting my new job, getting ready for lots of company this weekend.  It's all good.  Perhaps after this big weekend I will be able to let things go.  I feel like I need a good cry, but it just won't come.  That's probably my "controlling personality" taking control.
I have received so many cards and help.  The love that pours out of an envelope opened is amazing. I just can't thank everyone enough.
I talked with Social Security yesterday.  It's just so interesting how our government works.  I have always paid our big bills on the 3rd of the month when we got Walt's check.  I don't even have an appointment to find out what I will be getting or when until Dec. 3rd.  When I asked the guy what I do he just said " I guess you have to talk to your creditors".  Okay, what do I tell them?  I'm not in a real panic.  I will be okay when it all settles down.  I'm sure many have been in a much worse position.  My Walt always made a good living and therefore has a good social security check and I will get that so really no complaints.  It's just what you have to go through while in the middle of incredible grief.
So excited for all of the company to get here.  Wish everyone could be here, but I know that's impossible.  You are all in my heart and I will carry that with me this weekend.  Please, the prayers I ask for now are for those traveling to be safe.  Until next time, I love you all.

So Much Good Out Of The Bad

Some things are just hard for me to grasp.  I can't believe it's only been a week.  Seems like so much time has passed.  Maybe it's because I've been so busy.  There is so much to think about and do.  Friends have kept me going and I finally got back out into the ministry yesterday.  Planning Walt's memorial has kept me busy also.  I don't know how people have a funeral right away.  We have so many who want to come and we wanted to give everyone the opportunity to put it in their schedules. Friends are planning a gathering after. Guess this is where I should tell everyone the particulars.

Walter Leonard Niemi II

August 18, 1940 - November 5, 2013

Safe In Jehovah's Memory

Service held at the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses

2558 Fargo Street

Klamath Falls, Oregon

Saturday November 23, 2013 at 1 pm

Gathering of friends to follow

Perhaps this will be when I finally "get it".  I don't know.  I can't seem to wrap my mind around the reality.  I know "realistically", but this all seems so temporary.  It's not the big things, it's the small everyday happenings that make me feel like I'm just waiting for my life to get back to normal.  It's like Walt has just gone fishing or camping for a couple of days.  It's nice to have alone time and not have to do the normal, but it will all get back to the day-to-day when he gets home.  They say that the first stage of grief is denial. Oh man, I never wanted to be "what they say".   

So, I will continue to plan and get the house ready for lots of company and keep myself busy.  I start my new job tomorrow.  I am cooking 2 days a week for my brother at his restaurant.  This will keep me busy and supplement my income just enough to let me stay where I am for now and not have to make any big decisions right away.  I love my house, big as it is, and don't want to think about where I would go with my 3 cats and 4 chickens.  

I know there are many who would like to be here for the memorial, but circumstances just don't allow.  Please know that I feel the love and caring from afar. 

Love to all until next time.