Life Is Strange, Death Is Stranger

My darling daughter has been with me since Monday morning when it became apparent that all was coming to an end.  George has been with the kids with the help of his sister because he is so busy at work.  I am grateful that we got to be with Walt with little distraction (even though I love those little distractions).  Amanda slept in the big bed with me where there used to be a big strapping man.  She doesn't move.  Walt was a mover.  We woke up in the morning and she decided that we would go out to breakfast.  I hadn't been out of the house in a very long time and she said I needed to "shake off the dust".  Getting ready we talked about her dad.  We kept saying "this is so weird.  This is so strange".  How are you suppose to go from 2 to 1 in a heartbeat?  In the bathroom I went to pull something out of my second drawer down and for a moment thought "I can use the top drawer now".  Then, "no I can't, that's Walt's".  Weird.  I want to clean up his "man cave", but I don't want to move a thing.
There is so much to do.  Do you know how much it costs to put an obituary in the paper?  It's robbery.  Amanda and I wrote such a beautiful sentiment, but it ended up being a very short "facts" because each word was so expensive.  The medical companies came to get all of the "stuff".  The bed, the table, the wheelchair, the oxygen.  That oxygen concentrator has been here for years.  It's so quiet now.   Friends stopped by, flowers came (thanks Pam, they are beautiful).  The phone never stopped (thank you all and I'm sorry if I missed you, but I read all of the text and listened to all of the messages and they help).  George brought the kids into town after breakfast.  We shopped around Walmart for a minute then came back to the house.  The little boys didn't know about their Grumpy yet.  Of course, they walk in the door and head straight for his room.  I followed and when Thomas said "Where's Grumpy?" I told him I had something sad to tell him.  I took him to my bedroom and he said "don't tell me anything sad."  I told him I had to and that I might cry, but it's okay.  I told him his Grumpy had died and he immediately said, "I have something to tell you that is not sad." (Keep in mind, he is 4 years old). "Jehovah will bring Grumpy back in the new world", he says.  And he goes about the business of playing with his new toy from Walmart.  Gavin, the 2 yr. old just doesn't understand and I'm sure he will ask "Where's Grump?" for a long time, but time means nothing at this age.  Madison is upset and I could hear the sadness in Austins voice.  We took the easy way out with the other grandchildren and let their parents deal with the news.
Madison stayed the night with me last night and she slept in the big bed with me.  That will never happen again!  She wiggles, moans in her sleep and wants to be close.  The big bed became very small during the night.  I love her, but with her moving in on me and cats at my feet I was squished.
I'm out of words for now.  I don't even know if anyone wants to hear all of this, but know that right now I'm writing for me.  I don't want to forget a moment of anything, because it all relates to, well, you know.  I love you all and I can still use the prayers.  Thanks for that.

Thank You(s)

To everyone who is reading this, Thank You, for making this journey with me. What a comfort to know that I wasn't alone.  You all cared enough to listen to me.
I sat down to say "Thank you" to everyone who helped me get through this.  There are just too many and I will forget someone and right now I can't think straight. Thank you seems so minimal right now. Years ago Walt and I received a thank you note from good friends that I keep close to this day.  It was for an anniversary party that we had put together.  It took months of preparation and a whole congregation to pull it off (brilliantly, I might add).  The note included every aspect of the party from the food to the silly blindfolds we made  to keep the guests of honor in the dark.  But the note went on from there to include all of the reasons that we were loved by this couple.  This is the format I want to follow when I say the most important "thank you".
Thank you, Walt.  Thank you for all of the laughs and good times.  Thank you for your time, for always being there when I needed you.  Thank you for your strength and thank you for letting me see your weaknesses. Thank you for your loyalty and your trustworthiness.   Thank you for the flowers (for no special reason).  Thank you for bringing my coffee every morning. Thank you for taking care of yourself so that we could be together longer. Thank you for your positive attitude, even through the pain and discomfort you often suffered. Thank you for being a good provider and putting up with some of the crazy ways I wanted to spend that hard earned money.  Thank you for our beautiful children.  Thank you for allowing me to bring strangers into our home to study the bible and then joining in.  Thank you for becoming that spiritual man that I most admired.  Thank you for taking your leave with dignity and leaving me with the hope of seeing you again in paradise right here on earth.  Thank you for your smile.

Confusion Sets In

You might think I'm talking about Walt and he does get somewhat confused when he is on the morphine, but this is all about me.  I did something yesterday that I have never done before.  I can't believe it.  Amanda came over with Gavin in the morning so that I could go out and run some errands.  I actually left the house without a bit of makeup on.  Anyone who knows me knows that just doesn't happen.  Lately I have been seen at the house without my makeup on, but that is a definitive decision.  I NEVER go out without it.  I look like I should be on my death bed.  I didn't even realize it until much later in the day.  When I thought back on it I thought "well, at least I didn't see anyone I knew", then I thought about the sales manager at Cash and Carry who waited on me.  He seemed to be avoiding talking to me and he is usually really chatty.  He probably thought I was sick.  So, what I'm trying to say here is that my brain is obviously not working at full capacity so please forgive.
For the first time my poor Walt didn't have a good night.  He has developed a cough.  That is one thing that causes him much distress.  Because we have always been so careful with his lungs he thinks something is going wrong there.  He has asked me many times if the tumor in his esophagus could cut off his air.  I have assured him it will not because it is closer to his stomach, but he still has anxiety over it.
Even through it all he still has his sense of humor.  I walked into his room and he asked me if I was practicing up at Sky Lakes (our local hospital)? I said, "Why?" "Because you come in here every 15 minutes", he says.  Ha, ha.  I have taken to peeking in the door and only going in every 30 minutes.
So, did I mention how much we are enjoying everyone in our lives.  I am missing all of the company we had last week.  Especially Auntie Sharon because now I have to mop my own floors and do all of the laundry.  No, what I miss most is the positive communication.
Didn't get this posted yesterday.  Last night was better.  Walt wanted pain meds at 1:30 am, but slept pretty good until 5:15.  That's when he turned on the light and said, "Time to get up".  Oh, well.  He then proceeded to go into his man cave and get in his hospital bed and fall back to sleep.  What a guy.
Amanda is coming this morning so that I can go on some more errands.  Guess what?  I have makeup on!
Love you all.

So Much To Tell

I know, it's about time.  Sometimes this is so hard.  I was ready to write today but our power was off from 9:30am to 3 pm.  Now it is much later and I'm getting tired.  Just gave Walt some cheese soup because he dreamed about grilled cheese sandwiches.  It will come back up and cause him incredible pain, but he is not comprehending those things much these days.  He started on a very small dose of morphine on Monday.  He had to get off of the tylenol and ibuprofen because it was causing stomach pain.  Poor guy spends most of his day sleeping now.  Some of that is from the medication, but mostly its because he is not eating.  He is in his hospital bed now during the day.  Not at night.  He told me that if he was going to sleep there at night that I would have to be in there with him.  Have you seen how skinny those beds are?  
So, The Party!  It was wonderful.  I told everyone that if the party was the day before Walt wouldn't have been there.  It was a very bad day.  Saturday he got up and decided not to eat anything because it would cause him to have another bad day.  We got to the party at 1:15 and he made it to 4 pm.  So many friends and family.  The guest book was signed by 79 and I'm sure some missed signing.  Walt got to talk with so many that he hadn't seen in awhile.  We have lots of pictures that we will share.  The DVD that Amanda put together is so great.  We will add pictures from the party and send it off to those who want it.  
We had a houseful over the weekend.  Auntie Sharon came in on Monday so she was already here.  She gave up her room and slept on the couch so the Rodriguez family of 5 could have the bedroom.  Good thing they are all small (well, not Oscar).  David slept in Walt's man cave on the hospital bed (Walt hadn't been in it yet).  We had such a good time with our friends.  I have much to say about that, but it will have to wait.  I am going to attempt to post a couple of pictures here.

 Oscar wheeling Walt into the party. Love that smile. 

 Walt, Amanda and Dina

 David fixing breakfast

 Me and Sharon 

(clockwise) Walt, Nyah, Sharon, Oscar, Nari, Gavin (gotta get those grapes) Amanda, Me, & George

Dina is taking the picture, Thomas and Naleah are playing on the kindle in the other room. Where are you David?

Okay, I'm done for tonight.  Thanks for tuning in and for all of the continued prayers.  Love you all.  

Life Can Be Surprising

Thirty Eight years ago today Walt and I were blessed with a beautiful daughter (I can say her age because she in no way looks it). She is my best friend, my confidant, my helper (Walt is all of those things too, just in a different way).  I don't know how I would make it through all of this without her.  Not to mention the wonderful grandchildren she gave us.  They all make us so happy.
We are also blessed with two other children who came from far away to visit us this weekend.  I can't imagine a better reunion.  Even though life has kept us apart for many years we were able to connect in a special way.  Walt and I could recognize that Walter and Pam are making the best of this life.  They are people that we would be happy to call "friends" not just family.  What a great (all but to short) visit we had. We know the effort it took for them to come here.  We hope they know how much it meant to both of us that they made that sacrifice.  Hope to see them again.
We wanted to make our meeting this morning, but the effort is just too much for my puny guy.  So grateful to have it on the phone. Yesterday started out good, but by the end of the day he was not keeping anything down.  There is so much to look forward to this coming week.  Auntie Sharon arrives tomorrow from Hemet, Ca.  I haven't asked her how long she will be here because I don't want her to ever leave.  Oscar and Dina and girls fly in Friday from the Palm Springs area.  This will be a hard visit because they have to leave on Sunday and I will not want them to go.  They are very special to us and Walt is so happy they are coming.   His big "Going Away" party is on Saturday.  Our CO visit is this coming week and we are looking forward to a visit from brother Russo on Wed.  Busy times, but I've said it before, distractions are good.
Tragedy struck a couple of times last week.  Amanda's husband, George, lost his granny.  She might have been his granny, but she was so special to all of us.   She was caring and funny and we enjoyed her so much.  She will be missed, especially by Thomas and Gavin and Maddy and Austin.  She loved those kids and they loved her.
We also found out that Amanda's childhood friend, Sarah has cancer.  She is going to fight hard and we will pray for her daily to win her fight.
This life can be so hard. Not surprising because we are in the "last days".  We just have to stick together and encourage each other to keep going.  Thanks to all of you who are communicating with us through email.
Love to all.

Life Is An Attitude

That has always been my motto for life and Walt has adopted it pretty good.  Our god, Jehovah, has told us through the scriptures to be positive in our life.  Jesus said, in his sermon on the mount, that we could be "happy" in just about every circumstance.  So, here we are with a terrible diagnosis and yet again Walt is amazing the doctors and everyone else for that matter.  Where he should be at this point and where he is are very far apart.  I say "the power of prayer and a good attitude".  No, things aren't perfect and when I said to Walt this morning "maybe you will beat this too", he said "not this time", but he added, "I'm just going to do my best to stick around as long as it will let me".  What a guy. All credit goes to god for helping us to stay strong. Thanks again and again for talking to him in our behalf.
It helps that Walt has so much to look forward to, also. His children coming this weekend.  Auntie Sharon coming from Hemet, Ca. Best friends Dina and Oscar and their 3 beautiful daughters coming from Desert Hot Springs, Ca. The big party.  We have heard from many with stories about Walt.  He just loves reading them.  I have to share a couple.
Walt's "baby" sister Marlene sent this. "My favorite memory is when Walt had a paper route, think it was Cleveland Plain Dealer Sunday paper and I was probably 6,7 or 8 years old and Walt would've been 7 years older.  Anyway, I went into the living room in the early morning when he was folding his papers and with my tooth that I had under my pillow said, 'the tooth fairy didn't come' (probably crying because I was such a baby) and Walt told me to go back to bed because it was too early and maybe she would come yet.  Well before he went to deliver papers, he came into my bedroom and gave me a hug while I lay on my pillow and after he was gone, I checked and there were 10 pennies under my pillow.  That was when I realized that there wasn't really a tooth fairy but I had a big brother that loved me very, very much and could probably only dig up 10 pennies back in the 1950's!!!  That is my BEST memory because not many years after that he went into the Navy...."
Then big sister Nona comes up with this: She remembers the newspaper route and said Walt delivered for the Youngstown Vindicator in 1952 and said he sold the most subscriptions and WON a trip to Washington, DC and got to meet President Eisenhower!!! That is amazing and wondered if Walt remembered that trip to DC.
I wondered too, because I had never heard that story.  How are you married to someone for 41 years and not know that they once met a president?  I know Walt doesn't brag, but seriously? We have since figured out it was for the inauguration.  He says that when you are a teenager those things don't make that big of an impression.  I've said it before, Goofy man!
Here's your invitation.  Wish everyone could come.  Love to all.......

Wonderful News

Right now we are so excited we can hardly stand it.  Last night we found out the "big" kids are coming.  Walt's two children from his first marriage are going to be here the end of next week.  Walt is coming from Montana and Pam is coming from S. Calif.  Walt lived with us from age 8 to 18. I would like to say I raised him, but I didn't do a good job.  I was not a good stepmother, but he rose above it and became a good man.  He married a special lady and they have two cute kids. It's been a few yrs since we've seen him. We have not seen Pam since Walt's wedding 24 yrs ago.  I was not a stepmother Pam would want to be around so that's pretty much my fault.  From all appearances she has had a good life.  She invited us to her college graduation (we didn't go, long story).  She is a teacher and has 3 children.  We are very excited to see both of them.
We had quite a scare on Monday.  Walt went to take a nap in the afternoon.  Somehow his oxygen ended up on the floor next to the bed.  Because he wasn't getting his oxygen while he slept he went into what is called a hypoxic event. Almost like frying your brain.  He was very disoriented and acted like he had a stroke.  Scared the life out of me so I called the hospice nurse.  She was wonderful and explained what was happening.  The worst part was when she told me that there was a chance that he wouldn't come out of it. It was a difficult evening, but after a good night's sleep, he was his old self the next morning (whew!).  I think I've been ready for many scenarios, but not this one.
Not much is going into this poor guys body.  He is getting very weak and wobbly.  He now has a walker for maneuvering around the house.  He has taken several falls (once on that terrible Monday night when he was headed to the bathroom and ended up in the hall on the floor after hitting the wall with his head on the way down). He survived that one with minor bruises and scrapes, but we sure don't want to do that again.
We have received some great stories about Walt's growing up from his sisters.  Can't wait to share them. It's been fun for both of us to communicate with the far away family.
So, we made our last goal.  Walt made it to the annual meeting where we received our new bible.  What a blessing. We love being a part of an organization that is so progressive and takes the time to keep us informed in a language that is up to date and very readable.  Millions and millions of bibles printed and distributed free of charge.  You can see it at jw.org.
Next goal.  Make it to the kids visit and then the big party.  Please keep us in your prayers.  It's the best we can do for each other.  We love you all.